Give yourself some time, love and tenderness, mishaco. All of these emotions are common to most of us who've gone through this. Doesn't make them easy to deal with, but please know that you are not alone in this.
It takes some time to get used to this new way of thinking. For the first few days of cutting my abusive/cheating X loose, I felt so guilty I just wanted to bury my head under the pillow all day. It really does fade if you give it some time.
You're breaking a habit....like a drug habit. In fact, lots of us here talk about being as addicted to THEM as they are to their drug of choice.
And just like a drug, the first few days are rough.
Stay busy. Get out in the fresh air and maybe even get some exercise. Take good care of yourself -- do things you LOVE doing. Be around healthy people you love, and who love you. Read lots of helpful stuff (get a copy of Codependent No More out of the library or buy it....really a huge huge eye-opener). Go to more meetings, as often as you need to. Think about finding a counselor you can talk to....I can't even begin to tell you how much better that made me feel.
He will be fine - or he won't -- but it's his choice and his right to live the way he wants.
And your right to live without abuse.
Sad that he's made these choices, but
he has the power to turn his life around any time he wants to. There are tons of resources for people who want to get better. It's not up to you to save him. You tried that already, remember? And what did it get you? (almost dead)
Focus on you, and on the few decades of precious life we have to spend Here. What do you want to do with your time here? Who do you want to be?
Hugs,
GL
