I am sitting here today, setting those small goals for myself in order to be rid of my abusive ABF. I am doing ok. In good spirits - much better than yesterday but that mood made me run to Al-Anon for the very first time! (Yay me!)
But anyways, there are areas I struggle with the most and beat myself up about and these areas are what actually keep me around, keep me letting him back in, keep me codependent and trying to save him, keep me helping him.
Here are the things I am having the most horrible time with handling:
1. Guilt - I feel guilty anytime I smile, anytime I go to have fun, anytime I spend money. I know this is because I know he has nothing, he is homeless, no job, no money and it is eating me alive. That this is a sickness and I am just abandoning him to the streets.
2. Blame - I blame myself more than I wish I would. I blame myself for him being homeless because if I would have just left that night he would still have a roof over his head, he would still have food and money (because of me). I go back to the beginning of our relationship and to the end and I start to blame myself for it not working, for his drinking, for us fighting or him hitting me or saying mean things because I instigated it by yelling or screaming over a burn hole in the couch, or the dishes not being done when I would get off work... IF I would have shut my mouth, then none of this would have happened.
3. Anger - I am one angry, bitter person. If we do try to talk so he can get his things or whatever, I can't help but to be mean, I can't help but to say things - comments - about his drinking or calling him "the drunk" But then I feel guilty AGAIN
So, I know in time, if I continue to go to Al-Anon and I continue to get help, these will go away but these are SO hard to deal with right now.
So my question: Have any of you had any emotions when you left your ABH, AGF, AH, AW that were just so overwhelming to you that they would run you? or were you just fed up and left?
Have any of you have the guilt that I have for them losing EVERYTHING once you left them? (this is the one I am not controlling well)
I guess I just need to hear some other stories so I know that my feelings are normal and I am not alone.
Thanks in advance for sharing!