22 days...
22 days ago I used. I was on the fence of recovery; giving in when things were to uncomfortable or when i just felt like using because I could.
This was my way for most of the previous 6 years of my life. It was a secret life, or I tried at all costs to keep it that way, filled with lonliness. I used alone. I didn't enjoy the high--in fact it was completely fear-filled, miserable, and outright scary. I'd get some clean time and then go back to the drug.
It feels different this time. I've thought that before, and yet is seems 'more different' this time. I'm experiencing the uncomfortablness that comes up in different forms: Anxiety, insecurity, anger, jealousy, and others. But instead of running from my feelings I am facing them a little more each day.
suprisingly to me, I have not had a major obsession to use and only a couple of thoughts about it. Why? I don't know. And frankly I don't care. People will say it's God, but for me...whatever. I simply don't know. What I do know is that it's a lot easier to deal with the rollercoaster of early recovery without the added challenge of dealing with urges. I'm grateful for that.
But I know I could screw this up in a moment. I haven't thought about that much during these 3 weeks.
It's helped to go to lots of meetings It's helped to spend lots of time with recovering friends at the alano club. It's helped that I'm almost getting back into the habit of getting into my bed at the end of the day and sleeping at night in that bed. It's helped that I've prayed in my own way and have directed my thoughts at Higher Power as my Heart leads me towards Light. It's helped to NOTICE when gifts are given to me by the universe: specifically the gifts that come from people who seem to give me exactly what I need to hear/experience at exactly the right time. It's helped that I'm not complicating things as much as I've always done, but rather I'm more focused upon Staying in Today, more focused on "taking what works and leaving the rest," and more mindful of noticing when I'm full of judgment and negativity and when I notice this happening by redirecting my thoughts to what is good about that which I am not liking. It's helped me to get more involved in things; like joining the softball team and finding creative, wholesome things to do with my children.
There is plenty of 'recovery work' ahead of me, and i KNOW that I can't rest on my laurels (or rest upon my judgments of other people resting on their laurels!). I have to keep an open mind. I have to be humble and continue returning to humility after I get full of myself and think I've done something great, worthy, or kind. I have to Keep it Simple, Stay in Today, and do the next right thing as best I can.