How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving.
It's a classic line and I've read it many times here on SR, and I have to say accepting it was hard for me.
My XABF could really pour it on. Good and bad. He told me I was the reason for his depression, his lack of work, his unhappiness, his binge drinking, his inability to quit smoking, his lack of sex drive, his lack of interaction with his family, and his rage when he just couldn't stand the site of me anymore.
He also told me I was the love of his life, that if he had the power to quit drinking he would have long ago, that I am the only one who really understands him, that I give him the motivation to get up in the morning, and without me his life would be a dark and empty place that would swallow him whole.
Oh I remember these things over the years for sure. What I don't know is why I chose to believe the good when the bad is what I heard most often and why I thought any of it was true anyway.
There is a rule in law that when a witness on the stand tells one lie that is drawn out by other evidence a jury has cause to discount the entire testimony of the witness no matter its weight in the case.
So that would mean if my XABF lied about one thing, I had the right to wave off any other quacking coming out of his mouth. I wish I considered that as some point. It would have saved me many years of hurt.
Your addict told the other woman what he wanted her to hear so he could keep his booty calls and drinking buddy. Why would she hand around if she thought she was competing with the perfect woman at home.
He tells you that you're the reason he drinks so that you'll excuse his behavior. He then tells you whatever he has to to keep you hanging on at home.
I was saved by practicing firm boundaries and compassionate detachment. Addiction is a disease and these recovery tools will keep you safe and sane in the midst of it.
Keep working through these issues and the answers will come.
Best wishes,
Alice