Been checking in quite often, reading all your stories... and thinking about replying, and then I checkout. Not because I don't care, but because I felt that I didn't have anything all-to-wise to contribute. I'm glad to see people are making progress and are doing well.
As for myself, I'm making a lot of progress over here. The abf is [I]still[I] around, and I've been detatching. Although he feels that nothing is 'wrong', he couldn't be farther from the truth. All he knows is what his simple mind can contain-- that I'm not 'calling' him out on anything. Why? Don't care to. It won't make a hillabeans difference, so I don't bother.
It's ironic, the more I looked at things with [I]him[I] the more I realized about me. I realize that I need to get better, (with my anxiety- panic attacks) and that until I do, the more dependent I feel on him-- nothing more than an emotional attachment, something that makes me feel 'safe'. Hahaha, then the magical moment comes.... where I understood, the reason I feel 'unsafe', the reason I feel 'more anxious' now than before, is clearly because I've used him as a crutch- something that I think aliveates my anxiety-- when in all reality, being 'dependant' on someone for your emotional well-being, causes you to feel MORE out of control, and MORE anxious.
So, I enlisted the help of a new therapist, who only works with people who suffer from anxiety disorders. He is teaching me 'how' to work through my anxiety, rather than run from it. It's hard work, and It's not comming easy-- but at least I'm being proactive.
Another irony-- the abf is being ultra supportive with this process. I thought to myself, "if I get to the crux of MY issues, and suddenly I start getting well-- maybe I won't want to be in this relationship at all-- in fact, I may HAVE to exit this relationship TO get better". (I guess this is similar to an addict who decides to really get sober- then the current relationship may need to be left behind). Something I never understood, but now I see. I feel 'guilty' about that thought, but care more about my well-being, than some temporary guilt feelings, after all, he's not a sick helpless animal-- wounded that I'm abandoning, rather he has all the power to 'try' and get well, and wont. Just like me, it's within MYSELF to get better..... sure, if during the process I ask for 'support', that's normal-- unlike him, he is not doing 'any' of the work, and just wants my support to leave status quo - status quo. Can't do it.
Otherwise, things are well-- kids are amazing, my daughter who is abroad has seen 4 countries while she is overseas studying- (thank god she didn't get held back by anxiety like her mamma!)
The boys are getting older, and are off w/ friends like boys do.... and are wonderful and healthy. I'm blessed.
School is amazing, (extremely demanding), however I'm taking some courses, (required) that I didn't want to take, and I'm loving them. One is a fine arts course, in african american art and history/culture. My professor is inspiring- gets my creative side flowing-- and I have so many STRONG, competent, wise women to watch now. (the college is a mostly womens college) their evening program is open to both genders-- but still is in large part a STRONG womens college. I love it.
Work-- yep, got that amazing job (with the help of all your prayers) and it's going well. The bills are paid, and I don't need the abf anymore for 'that' kind of support. I work with primaraly men, yet they are all respectful and very easy to get along with.
SO that's cess's update. I just celebrated over 40 bday last week, urgh.... if any one can find some 'turn back the hands of time' eye cream, I'd really be golden right now!!
Love you all,
Blessings- Cess