rebel541

This is the classic story of a woman meeting the man of her dreams, choosing to ignore the red flags (because he is so charming), and after eight months of dating, sells her house and moves herself and her two teenaged children in with him (in another city). It wasn't long before the demon emerged, and she discovered she was living with an alcoholic. When she told him that this regular drinking behaviour would affect the relationship, he took it into the closet. It only got worse until nine months later, the woman and her children were tossed out. This was almost a year ago.

I've read similar stories here and informed myself as to the ins and outs of the alcoholic. I strive to understand this man's behaviour, because I still love him. I've tried to break it off, but he is so good with the emotional manipulation, he wins every time and I end up feeling like I'm the bad guy, then when I realize what he's done, I kick myself for not holding my ground.

I did move back to the city I moved from, so there is a distance factor. I almost got totally drawn back in last August, but he saved me by phoning me when he had just started drinking and giving me his classic drinking behaviour (threats to move on, if I didn't move back in...all about his needs). The conversation was like a blast from the past (during our dating period) and shocked me back into reality. There were negative pokes at me, my kids, my parenting, suggestions that “if only” (fill in the blanks) everything would be ok, in all a sense that if I didn’t listen to his “wisdom” I would lose. It was like a challenge and more about winning and losing than the reality of a relationship.

I wrote him an e-mail and told him I had to finish raising my kids and he had to deal with his alcohol problems and we both needed to do each independently. I also pointed out my observations and said that all his reasons for trying again were all the wrong reasons to try again. It’s not about “if only”, it’s about what is.

A few days later (after sobering up) he phoned me and said it was an honest but not a very nice e-mail and no, he hadn’t been drinking and let’s move on to small talk and how much he loves me.

I did visit him a few more times, but my guard was now up. The third time I showed up (Nov), he was drunk. I left. We continued to talk on the phone, but there were more instances when he would be unavailable for days, then claim he had been out, in the shower, something wrong with the phone and even an out-of-town funeral. All lies to cover up. Even when I received an indisputable drunken phone message, he claimed he only had one drink.

I went again in early Feb and, while visiting his sister, was told that she had been told she was not allowed to discuss his drinking. Another incident a few weeks ago, confirmed by a neighbour, and he knew he had to tell me. But it was only two days—not binge drinking, so it was just a slip.

I’ve had it. I told him I couldn’t phone because I was feeling down (which is true). He wrote me an e-mail full of loving emotions and the claim that he is ok and it was just the one time slip. He says he does not drink anymore. He says he is getting better and better every day.

My questions are:

Does an alcoholic really believe his own lies?
Has alcohol use impaired his ability to distinguish between reality and fantasy?
Is he lying out of fear or shame?

Either way, it seems I’m hanging onto a relationship that is either based on total deceit and manipulation or a relationship with someone that has an issue with reality vs. fantasy. Neither sounds like a healthy place for anyone to be.

Before I met this man, I was relatively content. I had been 8 yrs divorced and had a nice home and life with my kids. I had already declined one man’s offer. I ignored the red flags. He knew how to get what he wanted. He used his charm and played on my emotions. His offer was “now or never”, “take a chance”. A challenge and I wanted the prize. He is spoiled and carries many issues and guilt from his past in the present. He seems to have a code of ethics for others to adhere to, but a different one for him and I think this belongs to the person, not the alcoholic, in which case there is no hope.

When I discovered I was living with an alcoholic, I vowed to myself that he wasn’t going to take me down with him. I think I need to remember that.

Thanks for listening.