Aysha

I have been struggling alot the past week or so. A little tiny bit with wanting to use, but mostly with my gram.
I have talked about this before. How I am a tight azz when I am not using. I ma not working right now. I have limited gas and no money. But my gram seems to think that she has it like that. She wants to keep running back and forth all over town everyday just for shyts and giggles. Spending money on **** she sees an ad for in the paper that we dont need. Wasting MY gas I need to get back and forth to day treatment and meetings. Pouring laundry soap and and dish soap in like theres an endless supply. Instead of measuring.
She got mad when asked her why she feels it necessary to go spend money she or I dont have to just spend on nothig. She seems to think we got it like the rest of our family. They spend like nothing. I have never seen people waste money on such unnecessary things. My aunt and them must eat out at least every other night. They have it though. Sorta. They all have good jobs. I dont have a job at all and neither does she.
I get mad when she thinks I am funny when I try to tell her why I dont like this spending so carelessly. She actually laughed at me today. Don't tell her how to spend her money. And she put her life on hold to take care of me and why didnt I think of that when I was smoking crack, she this and she that. She's the one who fixed my van and now I won't let her even drive it.

OK !!! I get it. But that was then and this is now.
And I payed to fix my van, she just got my dad to do it because I was in the halfway house. Plus I gave her another $650 just for the hell of it. That was gone less than a week. I got my cash from DSS, $150. I had to go to Walmart. I needed stuff. I came out with hand lotion and a planner, bought cat food and litter but somehow came out broke. WTF??!! I sure the hell don't have anything to show for that money.
I broke down today and started crying when she started laughing at me. I mean WTF??!!
Why cant she understand that we need to be careful with how we use money and gas and food right now?? Why doesnt she think its important?
I cried and asked her wtf her problem was. My first priority is to get to treatment everyday and meetings the few days I can make it. And look for a job . I dont have gas to just be throwing away for her to run all over town spending money she doesnt even have.
Whats so farking hard about understanding that?

Then she says shes getting old so she is going to enjoy life. I understand. But wait until I have a job at least.
I dont feel like I am being unreasonable. That gas gets me to where I need to be to stay clean.
What happenes when I let her run all the gas out just to go window shopping or spending money just for the hell of it? WHat happens when Its time to go to day treatment or look for a job and theres no gas or money to get gas. She told me I am selfish. Well you dam right its selfish. This is my F*** ing life here!! I dont want to go back to that life of being a totaly POS nobody.
I feel Like I am workign alone here now. Or that my needing to do certain things for my recovery has now become a burden on her. I should be giving her anything she wants. but right now I cant.
I dont like telling her no or getting mad when she doesnt understand what I am trying to say. And doesnt take me seriusly. This is serious to me.
I know I am not being rediculous.
What the f** is the point of getting clean if this is whats going to happen?
I cant work more than PT so I can keep medicaid for treatment. I am at war with my gram at what she should or shuldnt do. I dont like this ****!!
I dont feel comfortable talking about this to anyone yet f2f. Because it still feels like tis petty. But to me tis not. Its the difference between me staying clean or not.
I am in the middle of the F***ing library now crying and anxious over it AGIAN!!!
I have a GSR meeting I have to be at by 3PM today. I am an emotional wreck. Not to mention the stupid azz drama with a couple people from recovery community with their stupid azz kid games. I have worse things to worry abotu then who is doing what and why. I get so tired of that. But now I know who to distance myself from.
I am tying here. I am freaking trying like I have never tried before. And yes. For the first time ever , I take this dead serious. So why do I feel like this?
Why do I feel like that bad guy?
I need to stop now because I am getting worked up and I am in a public place. I am not trying to look like a fool.
I just needed to get that out. I have alot of NA money on me right now. The urge hit me as soon as the stress hit with all this BS last night.
I would never do that. But it still crossed my mind. And I dont like that.
I am going to leave here, go to the halfway house and get my list of supplies for our meeting and go get my sober friend and go right to the GSR meeting like I am suppose to and get our books and supplies with the money that has been trusted to me.
I quit smoking. i have no crutches anymore. This **** is hard with no release.
Thx for letting me have my regular meltdown again gys.
I know I am a freak. But it doesn help to get it out and I trust you guys here more than anyone.