Ceres

Synopsis:

Melodie explains that in the beginning of her recovery that she wondered if she would ever not feel angry. She quoted Janet Woititz as saying "You become rigid and mistrustful. Rage consumes you without a satisfying outlet. Anyone who walks into your house can feel the angry vibrations. There is no escape from it. Whoever thought you would turn into a self righteous witch?" (love this quote)

Anger is a normal healthy part of life. We're supposed to blow off some steam and then get on with life. However, this doesn't seem to work well with us codies. Anger has a sneaky way of ruling our lives. Everyone in the home becomes consumed by it. Even when not yelling or carrying on. It's the elephant in the room. As codies, we'll ofteen think "I've put up with so much from you, I have the right to be angry anytime and at anything I want". Of course this is then met with more Angry from our alcoholic who thinks "How dare you be angry with ME".

Even when sobriety enters the picture. Anger lingers around the rooms. Usually it's peak is when recovery or treatment is sought. But, sometimes, it gets worse. We may learn that everything was not OUR fault after all, that we put up with more than we realized. So, recovery can breed anger also. Our alcoholic is then confused "Why get angry now, I'm sober!" While we think "I'm just getting started!". Before we know it everyone starts to feel guilty because everyone's angry. Turns out that sobriety didn't at once bring rainbows and sunshine into our lives.

Anger can be tricky for codependends because most of us didn't have healthy teachers. to model after. We erroneously believe the following:

• It's not okay to feel angry
• Anger is a waste of time and energy
• Good, nice people don't feel angry
• We shouldn't feel angry when we do
• W'll lose control and go crazy if we get angry
• People will go away if we get angry with them
• Other people should never feel angry with us
• If others get angry with us, we must have done something wrong
• If other people are angry with us, we made them feel that way and we're responsible for their feelings.
• If we are Angry someone else made us feel that way and they are responsible for our feelings
• If we are angry at someone then the relationship with them is over and they need to go away
• If we are angry at someone, we need to punish them
• If we get angry at someone, they need to change what it is they are doing that causes us anger
• If we feel angry, it's okay to hit someone or break something
• If we are angry we must holler and yell
• If we are angry at someone, it means that we don't love them anymore
• If someone is angry with us, it means that they don't love us anymore
• Anger is a sinful emotion
• It's okay to feel angry when we can justify our feelings

None of these things is true. So what do we do about it? One thing we can't do is repress it. That's not healthy either. Supressed emotions tend to spread and grow at an amazing rate. We have the right to feel our anger and the responsibility to do it appropriately. She explains that although we have the right be angry, our goal should be compassion. But, we won't feel any of that until we deal with the anger. Here are some of her suggestions for dealing with anger:

(paraphrased, melodie goes into each at length)

• Address any myths we have subscribed to about anger
• Feel the emotion
• Acknowledge the thoughts that come with the emotion
• Examine the thinking that happens when we are angry
• Make a responsible decision about what, if any, action should be taken
• Don't let anger control us
• Openly and honestly discuss our anger when appropriate
• Take responsibility for our own anger
• Talk to people we trust
• Burn off anger energy
• Don't beat on ourselves for being angry
• Write letters that we don't intend to send
• Deal with Guilt

Once we start dealing with our anger, we may notice we are much more angry than we realized. "We will be like a kid with a new toy" it will take patience to learn how to deal with it properly. She closes this chapter quoting Esther Olsen "It's not healthy to act hostile. There is much more to life than anger. But it's okay to feel anger when we need to".

Activity:

1.) What do you think would happen if you started feeling your angry feelings?

2.) What do you believe deep down about anger? What myths have you subscribed to? If you need to subscribe to new beliefs, do so. Attack myths when they try to attack you.

3.) How do those in your current situation deal with anger? How did your parents and siblings deal with anger? What is your own pattern for dealing with anger?

4.) If you have repressed anger, write about it in your notebook. You may need to get a new notebook dedicated to anger.

5.) If anger is troublesome, keep a pencil and paper handy, start writing about your anger as it happens throughout the day.