Right.
BF arrived and I could breathe the alcohol.
He wanted to "talk".
I should have known better.
He said he loved me.
He said I was the one twisting things.
He said he has changed things to make me feel better.
He said I was too harsh on him.
He said he had cried because I told him I wanted to live alone.
He asked if we could sleep together on the floor.
I accepted.
He made a pass at me.
And it made me feel vulnerable, very sad and like an idiot.
I left. I told him I resented several things. He asked if I loved him and I said I was not sure. He said "then should I start forgetting you?"
I thought "how loved do I feel when he makes a pass at me while drunk when its OBVIOUS I am having a stressful time?"
So I said I felt bad for it and it was the same that happened back in September and I couldn't believe I was STILL living that and triggering painful moments from the past. I felt I failed myself horribly. The emotions got the best of me and I started crying. He tried to hug me and I told him to let me rest and shut the door of one of the rooms and locked it.
Been crying for an hour. Wow. God, please..send me clarity and focus... keep showing me who he is so I gather my strength.
I feel very lonely and sad but I know when this is over and I live by myself I will sleep with my cats and it will be great.
In the future when I feel sad can you remind me how stressful was to handle high severity tickets while he made drama saying I didn't pay him attention? can you remind me of all the times I cried because I felt vulnerable in bed. can you remind me he never paid me any money back? can you remind me how this year's bday was the worst ever? even the past year I managed to have a better time than this one. can you remind me how I felt like 120 years old next to him?