I know some of you get how you can feel nothing towards someone.
It happened to me today.
When I saw BF I felt nothing.
He realized it and tried to hug me, kiss me and get near but now that I see it coldly, I have had lots of bad times due to him.
Christmas sucked
New years sucked
The night we moved to this apartment sucked
My birthday sucked
The concert we went to sucked
Is it so extraordinary I don't want to take him with me to a resting place by the end of the month?
I do not know if he is an allie or someone I need to guard and distance myself from.
Tonight he is out drinking with his friends. I am actually happy he is not home. I am enjoying being alone.
I am starting to dislike
How he complains about the economy
How his future plans change all the time
How his friends are not good people
How he talks about his parents and how much he resents them (and denies it)
How I am afraid of buying stuff for me now because I know he will criticize it.
How he "suddenly" starts behaving, cleaning and being nice and saying he loves me and everything will get better.
How I think its manipulation and XABF all over again. XABF wanted an enabler and he got one in me, NONA BF wants a savior and here I go.
How I use the "I need to work" excuse not to hang out with him.
How tense I imagine my "vacation" will be.
I am saying bye to my dad.
My grandma will be very very sad as well.
But grandma treated my mom and sis SUPERBAD in the past so I empathize with her and she has helped me, yet I can't trust her.
My dad's wife will be as usual next to him ALL THE TIME.
I would like to be with him and talk and be able to go through my emotions and mourn.
I can imagine my dad's wife asking BF tons of questions.
I can imagine how the interaction between my dad and BF steals my attention.
I can imagine how I won't be able to talk in liberty having BF with me.
I can imagine how I won't be able to talk in liberty if I get to see one or two friends over there.
I can imagine feeling stupid wasting all my holiday time in something that is not going to be very relaxing anyway.
I can imagine how hurt BF will be because I painted it all great and relaxing and "good for us" and now I may tell him sorry I decided to go by myself.
I can imagine my trip alone and getting depressed while traveling.
I can imagine my trip with BF and him complaining or making drama or me not so sure about him anymore and having too much stress and drama and uncertainties to handle at the same time.
I am a mess and not even have $ for therapy until the next paycheck
Poor me!!!!! lol.
God please grant me clarity and show me the way towards peace. And please do that for the SR friends who are currently as confused as me. Please show me who he is. Please let me know if I can trust him and am being "too harsh" (I have made mistakes and have hurt him too) or if I need to let him go and keep dettaching as respectfully as I can and focus on me and getting better and feeling better from the allergies, heartache, depression and daddy separation/abandonment triggering. And work tensions. And envy, green envy when I see happy women or ppl with a life.
Thanks for listening.
