1.) Are you or someone close to you going through the five grief stages? If so, what stage are you or them in?
This chapter helped me figure out why I'm fairly devoid of emotion regarding the end of my marriage. I'm at stage 5, acceptance. Soon to be moving right on out of the stages all together. Maybe I'll be pulled back into the stages when the divorce is final, maybe not. A long time ago I pitched a tent at Stage 1 (denial) and promptly made it my home. After working with codependency here in SR, the other four stages flew by. I wasn't aware I was in denial, let alone how to move out of it. With proper guidance from experienced persons, here I am.
2.) Review the major losses in your life and recall how the stages of grief played out for each. Write about your feelings while going through them.
Well, I'll go with one experience as it's pretty monumental. I've gone discussed it with various therapists but I swear all I remember is them asking me things like "And how did you feel about that?" As if that'll make it all better? Bizarre, really I don't remember anyone giving me a formula to work with or anything.
When I was 12, my alcoholic mother married a man 10 years her junior. He was a sadistic nut. My mother was abused during this period. Behind her bedroom door. Not daily, but it was happening. At one point twords the end, she hadn't come out of the room for a while, I cut myself on the arm so she could come out and tend to it. Which she did. At another point he came out carrying her and she was in and out of conciousness. We piled into the car the whole while me yelling "What did you do to her". My mother, coming in and out of conciousness, said he didn't do anything. She went home the next day. I of course have no idea what actually happened or what the hospital said. Now, growing up my mother was a chronic alcoholic. So her staying in her room alone was normal. Hence I really wasn't sure what was going on at that age. I just knew it was bad.
So, came the day when this man asked me if I wanted to make some money, I said yes. He said "Take off your shorts" I said "No". He said "okay". and I went out to play. I was old enough and had already been abused that way. - I knew what was up. Anyway, I ran to a friends house and told. My mother was told that day and so she made him leave. Two weeks or so later, we came home from school and she never came home from work. We walked to her work late that night and learned she never showed up. So, went back to that friends house. Two days later, the police were called. We then became a ward of the state. The woman became our foster mother. No word from my mother for six months.
Here's the kicker - That man, became a serial rapist with three victims. One of which was a 14 year old girl. He was put away for rape, sexual battery, and spousal battery
LUCK!!!!!!
How my mother decided to let us know was to mail the newspaper clipping about the investigation and his arrest to a relative. They wanted to protect us so it was another six months before they gave us the letter and clipping.
Okay, so we were abondoned by our mother in the most literal sense. How did the five stages play out?
Stage 1 Denial: I did not accept the hard cold reality that she left us for a man who wanted to have sex with her daughter. It was a good year until THAT horrid fact was driven home.
Stage 2 Anger: Ahhh, I was in this stage probably until my mid-twenties. I was shipped around a bit growing up because I was completely uncontrollable.
Stage 3 Bargaining: Yep, until she died at the hands of a different LOSER. I kept contact and tried to keep her in my life. I tried to overlook everything. She died when I was 25.
Stage 4 Depression - This is an overlapping stage. It seemed to go hand in hand with the anger. After she died, when I was 25 - I stopped drinking in front of people and became a closet drunk. I knew I was an alcoholic and did not want others to know.
Stage 5 Acceptance - It took 22 years. Until I got sober at 34 to see I did get here. By default, by simply: time almost. Working the AA steps and the wider gap of years. If my mother was still alive, I probably wouldn't be here. I read stories in the ACOA forum sometimes and think "Thank goodness I do not have to deal with her now".
Whew, that was weird to get out.