tpen
I went NC with my XABF, and have been for 8 weeks now.
I went through exactly the same feelings and things you are. I checked his email, and found him on adultfriendfinder and blackcrush.com. Both of those sites are sickening, and made me feel small, empty and worthless! How could he run to some sex sites, while I'm sitting here wallowing in my pain OVER HIM? Over US? over losing him?
It got easier. I am no longer compelled to check up on him. I haven't done it in over a month. If he finds a replacement for me (which, he NEVER WILL!), then Go, be gone! I deserve better, and I will never allow myself to be led down that road again. Let him be someone elses' problem.
I pray for him everyday, but I no longer pray for him to be fixed FOR ME.
Stay strong, go NC, and start spending time with yourself. What do you like to do? Have you isolated yourself from friends that you haven't seen because of the A? Rekindle old friendships, go out for coffee, walk around the block...enjoy YOUR life, and what YOU want!
Hugs and Peace!
NC is really the best way to go. The longer you are away from the A, the better you feel. Life starts to make sense, you start to find yourself, and they become a distant memory!