Why I am such a bitter shrew.
To all of you new posters who are asking if you can have a happy life with your recovering-A boyfriend. And to those of you who desperately want your non-recovering ABF to get into recovery:
I seem so negative and mean and lecturing and overbearing because I know my own story (which continues to unfold) and I know the stories of the other ladies (and some men) on here.
If someone could have told me the things I am telling you, and I had listened, I could have done things differently.
I could have brought children into a stable marriage.
I would not have to blindly give up my kids to someone I know is actively drinking and probably drugging for days at a time.
I would not be spending Easter alone.
I would not be in financial despair.
I would not be fighting with my in-laws.
I would not be restricted by the courts to stay within my ex-spouse's home area, instead of moving closer to my own family.
I wouldn't be struggling with becoming a whole person at 40.
I wouldn't be caught in a world of alcoholic chaos.
My reality could have been so different.
And yours still can be.
Because what may be a minor annoyance (or even a problem for you to tackle!) now, will engulf your whole life once you are financially bound and once you conceive a child together. And all that takes is a birth control failure.
I hope that things get better for all of you. I hope that your ABF's straighten up, put you first and leave their drinking behind. I hope they all go to AA and never relapse. I hope they learn to appreciate how much you care for them and will stand by them on their recovery path. I hope that your love can make them see the light.
But that hasn't been my experience, and I am not optimistic for any of you based on the disease itself. You are not powerful enough or important enough to him to be successful in combating his disease.
And so I hope you can understand my harshness and my unwillingness to sugarcoat discussions about "love".
Thank you for your time.