Just checking in. I'm having a hard time with all of the emotional stuff. I had my first meeting last week, and have been to 2 more since then. I started reading the Big Book, and praying alot. I had 2 drinks when we were out to dinner at Saturday, but that was it. Then last night, I was feeling really edgy and misunderstood by my fiance, and angry that he is not pulling his weight. So I did what I do, and I went and got a bottle of wine. But instead of getting the big bottle, I got the small bottle. Is that progress? I dunno.
It's all come full circle. I used to be the sober one, complaining about the alcoholics in my life. My mother, alcoholic and addict, who has been in rehab for the last 7 years. She has been drunk and high much of my life. My step parents, alcoholics and addicts. My ex fiance alcoholic. I went to alateen as a kid, and then I went to alanon. Now I'm the one going to AA. It blows my mind. I hear myself making the same excuses as I have heard them say. Acting the same way they have acted. I feel like I am not as bad as they were, but it will progress if I don't stop.
This is probably why I am ambiguous about stopping, because I still want to drink, but I don't want to be an alcoholic. Yet most of the time I don't drink like a normal person and I can't control my intake. I'm fully functioning, and I don't miss work, and I haven't hit a bottom so to speak. The thing is, I don't want to have to be emotionally bankrupt in order to see the forest through the trees.
Am I making any damn sense to anyone?
Do I have to start working on my 4th step now in order to prove to myself that I should quit?
