i want - here's what stuck out at me from your post:
What is happening in your life?
it’s all going wrong again with my ABF
he was drunk and quite nasty to me on the phone.
There also seems to be one drama/problem after another with him
Nothing is getting better.
There are glimpses of possibilities of him improving, but the lying, drinking during the day and hanging around with those horrible people is not showing signs of ending.
How do you feel about it?
I am feeling very angry and upset today.
I’m so fed up with the drinking.
I’m unhappy. Not just with this but generally, I’m unhappy more than I’m happy.
What actions have you taken?
I let my boundary down last week
How are you talking to/treating yourself?
I know it was a stupid thing to do.
What are you telling yourself that might not be true?
I have to trust him.
So now I’m stuck
I don’t know what I want anymore.
I can’t understand my own feelings or thoughts.
What are you spending your time wishing for that can't happen?
I want him to choose me over alcohol and his alcoholic lifestyle, but I know he won’t.
What does all that mean to me?
You are a smart person!
You are hard on yourself.
Changing our patterns is hard!
Leaving a person we love is hard!
Trusting ourselves is hard and scary if we don't have practice doing it.
Give yourself a break.
You know how you feel.
You know what is going on.
You know what is wishful thinking.
You have all the tools you need to grow.
The change in your behavior is the scary part, right? It is for me!!
As LaTeeDa told me -
first is awareness (you got that).
Second is acceptance (you and I are both working on this.) Accept he IS a drinker. He IS lying to you. He IS choosing alcohol over you, because he is. Stop wondering right now what to DO. Work on just accepting he is the way he is. You can't change him. No amount of you believing, hoping, trying, giving chances, talking to him in a certain way, getting him to make promises, treating him in a certain way is going to change him.
Later, comes action.
You're doing great!
Hugs,
w