I think I want to be with him but I don’t want any of this stuff.
I would like to eat chocolate and not get fat. If I eat chocolate I get fat: this is a fundamental truth of the way chocolate and I interact, so I have to choose: chocolate or thin, I can't have both.
If I choose to eat the chocolate, I have to ACCEPT that I will be fat, I am just setting myself up for pain and disappointment and misery if I hope that I somehow things will be different this time, or see if I can persuade those calories to disappear or extract promises from the chocolate to act like lettuce once it's in my stomach.
That’s the main problem – I want him to choose me over alcohol and his alcoholic lifestyle, but I know he won’t. It’s not that he can’t because I think he could if he wanted it that badly.
Yes, he could if he wanted it that badly, he doesn't want it that badly. What does that mean to you?
So now I’m stuck not knowing what to do.
What do you think your options are here? When I am in the middle of a situation, often I find that I don't consider the full range of options: some never occur to me, others I shut down without thinking them through, because of fear or social stigma or what I think I should do, it can be helpful for an outside opinion sometimes.
I’m going to visit the dr and get some advice I think.
good idea, always best to get things checked out, even if just to set your mind at rest, and talking through where you are can be helpful.
Oh it is all such a mess. I want everything and everyone to go away and leave me alone sometimes.
if they won't go away and leave you for a while, could you take a little holiday? a weekend to stay with some friends, have some rest and some fun and pamper you away from his madness for a while?
Nothing is getting better. There are glimpses of possibilities of him improving, like counselling starting and actually seeing the dr when he needs to, but the lying, drinking during the day and hanging around with those horrible people is not showing signs of ending.
He drinks
he lies,
he hides things
he is nasty to you
you don't like his friends,
he has an "ex" entangled with him somehow.
not the description of an ideal mate, there must be some pretty big balancing good points for you to make him worth staying with, do you know what they are? I found when I did this, that some of the "bad" points were also on my "pro" list, like okay he's horrible to me, but …..
A lot of the stuff on my "pro" list was about me and my beliefs (hating being the one to end a relationship in case I was wrong etc) rather than his good points or good points about our relationship.
its also useful to have a pro and con list because over a period of two weeks you can note down how often the good and bad stuff happens, get a picture of the relationship and it's effect on you.
I truly believed he was going to beat alcoholism. It’s looking like I was wrong, but I can’t be sure, so that is why I stay
why do you think you have to stay while he decides whether or not to beat it? It is OKAY to decide that you don't want to go out with an addict, say give me a ring if you get better, why is that not an option you think will run, what feelings does that scenario throw up in you? (I'm not saying do that, but to an outsider it seems the obvious suggestion, I had my own reasons for not wanting to pursue that choice, I found it useful to look at them, you may find it useful to look at yours).