iwantcontrol

So, it’s all going wrong again with my ABF (as I knew it would at some point so at least I’m not surprised. I am feeling very angry and upset today. The last thing I posted about a couple of weeks ago was that he told me he wasn’t going to drink during the day anymore because he’d had enough of it and wanted a better life for himself and me. He probably held to that for a week at most and is now back to drinking during the day, swearing blind he isn’t and having a go at me for asking or just for anything really.

I let my boundary down last week and still said I wanted him to come round even though he was drunk and quite nasty to me on the phone. I wanted to get him away from the place he was in and stop drinking – I know it was a stupid thing to do. He bought a bottle after meeting me and took it into my house – I was upset but by that point I just told him to do whatever he wanted. He only drank a tiny bit in the end but I was annoyed at myself for not telling him to go home. I was trying to decide whether I wanted him to go away or stay with me and I wasn’t sure.

I’m so fed up with the drinking. I was doing really well getting on with my own things and not obsessing over him, but maybe that was because I thought he was doing well. Now I know he’s been drinking more than I thought, I can feel myself slipping again. There also seems to be one drama/problem after another with him – as soon as one thing is sorted, something else starts. This time it is an ex-girlf of his sending notes through his door. He hid it from me but I got it out of him today. Apparently she is going round there tonight because she wants to see him and talk – he is going to let her in and tell her to leave him alone. Sounds dodgy to me but I have to trust him. I thought she’d finally disappeared for good after he changed phone number in the first few months of our relationship just so she couldn’t keep calling and harassing him. It’s just one more problem and annoyance to add to our lives. I’m worried about it and he’s already drinking today so he’ll probably be drunk when she arrives.

And then there is the ongoing issue of his alcoholic mates he sees during the day. I told him in anger the other day to choose between them and me – he said he’d always choose me no matter what, but guess where he is right now? I regret saying he had to choose because I knew he wouldn’t stop seeing them, but I do want him to choose. That’s the main problem – I want him to choose me over alcohol and his alcoholic lifestyle, but I know he won’t. It’s not that he can’t because I think he could if he wanted it that badly. So now I’m stuck not knowing what to do. Nothing is getting better. There are glimpses of possibilities of him improving, like counselling starting and actually seeing the dr when he needs to, but the lying, drinking during the day and hanging around with those horrible people is not showing signs of ending.

I don’t know what I want anymore. I can’t understand my own feelings or thoughts. I think I want to be with him but I don’t want any of this stuff. I’m unhappy. Not just with this but generally, I’m unhappy more than I’m happy. I’ve even been wondering whether I might be suffering from depression – I’m going to visit the dr and get some advice I think. Oh it is all such a mess. I want everything and everyone to go away and leave me alone sometimes.

I don’t know how to deal with dating an A anymore. I don’t know if it is possible to deal with it. Any advice or even just a positive message would be so appreciated. I feel lost and alone right now. I don’t think a life where I get on with my own things in an effort to keep me away from dealing with my own BF is going to suit me. I truly believed he was going to beat alcoholism. It’s looking like I was wrong, but I can’t be sure, so that is why I stay. Please don’t be too hard on me, I’m on the brink of falling apart today.