Thanks everyone,
This really helps. Stilllearning1, I think we are sisters
Yes, he needed another enabler - and I was in her shoes not all that long ago. And yes, for months I've been glad (more so as I read the boards) that someone else took out my garbage.
Reading the boards has helped so much - and in so many ways my story is here over and over and over. But I also read about the progression and about people's As reaching out, coming back into their lives, trying for reconciliation. Him doing well, his new relationship progressing and my being completely forgotten just really hurts. I was struggling, hard, with the relationship at the end. But I didn't get to keep struggling with whether to walk away - the choice was taken away from me.
Honestly, I can't figure out whether I was too sick or not sick enough. What I mean is, I wasn't willing to not be respected - and I wanted the guy I met in the beginning back. I had definitely started to descend into codie hell, to accept the unacceptable, all the bells and whistles. Mostly trying to keep up with his chaos was a full time job in itself and I was confused as hell. But I also had glue on my shoes. I made a half assed attempt to end it - but I went back. Then I got tossed aside without a backward glance and at that point I knew I should walk but just couldn't.
That's the nut of what I'm feeling today, I guess. I don't know whether it ended because I was too codependent or not codependent enough. Did I expect too much, or not enough? Am I as difficult as he told me I was at the end? Is expecting the truth and calling a spade a spade being difficult?
Ugh, this is awful. I haven't felt like this in months.
SL x