When I was happy
Today I remember sitting on my porch about 9 years ago and feeling the happiest I had ever felt. I remember consciously think it. I had a great man, I loved my job, I had just brought my house and I had a good relationship with my parents. It was a feeling of being complete and the possibilities were endless.
I sat on that same porch the day of my wedding and I was happy to be marrying my best friend.
I sat on that porch the day I asked him to leave and knew without a doubt he was an alcoholic.
That porch has been through it all. Its sad how things have turned and this disease took away my best friend and lover. Its sad how much hate I have for him. Even though a part of me loves him.
There was a time when he meant so much to me. To be where I am today was imaginable. He was always by my side for so long and never left no matter what. Until now.
But I still deserve the happy feeling I had on my porch 9 years ago. Whatever it takes. I may start running on my treadmill every day and may have to look for a new job but whatever it takes. I am worth it. I want my happy feeling back.
Lulu