Still- I know exactly how you feel.
I've told my story a lot on here, but I will give you a brief:
My XA went back to his ex; BROKE my heart, devistated me. She is 23, we are both 34. I just couldn't understand it. He told me she was the only one who could make him happy, that he would rather die than be without her...OUCH!!! To my little heart. It's been almost a year.
A HARD year for me. I too couldn't believe that he got to go on and be happy and everything was peachy in his world. But is it???
It's really hard not to perfect the image of them in your head, when all of this time we perfect the IMAGE of HIM.
A little while ago, a mutual friend of ours told me that he spoke with my XA, and even now he is still trying to "defend" his actions while leaving out the WHOLE truth of our story. But he went on to tell him that he and his GF are planning to relocate and he was thinking about law school. The entire time he was telling our friend this he was getting drunk on the phone, by the end of the phone call he was smashed.
That's HIM.
He is STILL trying to present an image of himself that is not reality. I saw comments from him to his GF left on Christmas day.... it said "Merry Christmas Baby!! Now let's throw back some cold ones!"
That put a lot into perspective. What I imagine their life to be is not the reality. And the same for you.
My XA went back to his ex because she would not expect him to change...atleast not yet. When he went back to her, ironically it was at the exact same time I was starting to address his drinking with him. Coincidence? Nope. He doesn't want to change.
And I would compare myself to her..... because after he painted such a horrible picture of her, when he wanted her back, he painted such a perfect picture of her. It made me feel like I wasn't enough.
And that is so NOT the case. I was more than enough! And you are more than enough! At this point I take it as a compliment that he wanted her. To me, it means he knew my standards were too high.
And poor her, she's in his life, while he's calling our friends still trying to defend his actions about me. What a great relationship she is in!
Try, when it's the hardest, to keep it in perspective. No longer do I put so much energy into how they are feeling, but I definitely put it into how I am feeling. I have a great future, and it's open for someone who won't lie to me, won't use me until he's done, won't treat me as though I am insignificant.... and all of this is open for you too!
Tell the mutual friends that you do NOT want to hear anything about him or them. I have done that, and I am so happy I did. I do NOT want to know a thing. There is no point and it can cause anxiety. I don't need it...and neither do you!
