I was just reading Lorin Roche's website (thanks, lc!!!) and he was talking about the Odious Rule Generator. I LOVE IT! That's what all those voices are!
Disallowing my feelings.
This quote is about meditation, but you will get the gist:
Say that you have half an hour to yourself. Ahhhh, a chance to rejuvenate, and then you have to go pick up the kids. So during meditation, you wonder, "What time is it?" The Rule Generator will immediately slap you with a rule, "You shouldn't think about the time." Or say that you find yourself sorting through your to-do list, wondering if item #12 should really go up, closer to the top; the Odious Rule Generator can then chide you for thinking. Then you find yourself thinking of a friend who moved away and you lost contact with, and you feel sad over the loss. Your Rule Generator can then chide you for feeling.
It is kind of like having your mother-in-law sitting behind you telling you how to drive. In this case, she is sitting on your shoulder, telling you how to meditate. If she is really good, she will figure out ways to chide you for being. Your very nature is too intimate. You are attached. Your actual existence is somehow wrong, and you are defective. You, actually, are the one being in creation who does not have Buddha Nature.
It's OKAY to feel so scared (and to truly FEEL that/be present to it).
I see I fight acceptance INTERNALLY as much as externally.
It just is.
Scared is.
