Pain is a gift
Froglegs thread about how her AH came out with some ugly realities about his childhood—just as she’s fixin to leave him--really has me thinking about my own life (cause it's all about me you see) and how I’ve abused, neglected and disrespected folks in my life due to my less than ideal upbringing.
There was a lot of talk in that thread about how someones sh1tty life doesn't give them liscence to disprespect others. It’s true. And in my life, I spent decades totally triggered and raging- a result of the PTSD I was gifted with from my abusive parents. I’ve lost friends due to my disrespect, chaotic behavior, raging and at times abuse. Some of my former friends will never talk to me again.
But I keep searching, calling for help. I've been praying for guidance and help for as long as I’ve been jacked up. I'm pretty far along in forgiving myself, probably because I work so hard to become a better person.
I often think about what it is that brings someone out of an unconscious state of reacting, and elevates them into awareness. For me I can only thank my HP. I called for help, and help arrived. I believe it always does. It's up to us to accept that help and determine how to use it.
Part of the trick is recognizing the help we’ve been praying for when it arrives. Sometimes it’s hard, but in the last five years, I’ve started looking at every thing in my life as an opportunity to better myself. An answer to those prayers for help. My dying dog. Losing my house to foreclosure. Earning a raise. My husband falling in love with another woman and leaving me. All of it.
I do know that once you have woken up, it's ugly work to face your demons. Dig out all that hurt and look it straight in the face. It takes a tsunami of courage. Your determination has to be stronger than the current pain of staying stuck.
Froglegs, none of us can know if your AH is sincere, if he's going to use his new found knowledge to better himself. Anything is possible. At least twice a month I meet folks I knew in my former life as a raging lunatic that are surprised-stunned-to see me walking the earth in a suit running a business. (And I am as well sometimes but am getting more used to it). I’m looked to now as an expert. A voice of reason. The contrast between who I am today and who I was is astounding, and I still have mountains of work to do. But I have the benefit of the work behind me. That reference for what hard, ugly work can earn you.
But I believe that others have their own path, just as I do. The more I read here, the longer I immerse myself in self care and self responsibility, the more I see my hands-off practice with other people as a gift to them--to get the hell out of the way. Besides, today I choose to focus my time and energy on the work I have to do on myself and my own life. It’s a matter of math. 24 hours in one day, this day. How am I going to use it?
Actually, while we were separated and he was living with OW, that's when my AH started wanting to reconcile with me --when I told and showed him "I trust you. You can do the right thing." I was utterly sincere too. At that time I was in, paradoxically, one of the best places of my life. Completely detached from him emotionally, but with kindess and love instead of that burning hatred I had used to get away from him for all those years.
AH was living with her down the street, apparently happily blissed out and in love. I was living with the kids in our house and desperately, consciously turning every moment of pain into an act that would make my life better. Any act, even if it was doing the dishes or mowing the yard. I turned my thoughts and actions towards myself every moment of every day and worked harder on myself than I ever had.
I was transforming my suffering.
Yes, the boomerang relationship is infuriating, that "they just won't go away," syndrome when we finally start to get our own lives and turn away from them. Yes, our A’s may want to control us, hurt us. But I think part of that dynamic is due to the emotional detachment-and expressing or showing utter faith in your A that they are in control of their own life and you're not. It's attractive and comforting on some level. The message is, “you can do this. I trust you”. And I’m betting not many of us got that as children.