I need some feedback... and support! Sorryfor this being such a long post!
At this point I don't know if what I'm feeling is justified or if I'm totally overreacting/ going crazy. So I would really appreciate another person's opinion. So here is a recap of what happened this past week:
Last week AH and I had a brief conversation about his needs and my needs. He basically said that he needs sex now (not in 1 or 2 months if he was to change, but now!), I told him what I needed (basically a partner that is emotionally and mentally available, someone I can talk to) and that my needs are just as strong as his! - No solution! 2 hours later (after I went to work) he texted a female coworker of his that he misses her booty, if he would have a chance (at having sex with her) - she laughed it off and texted back that it was a no go - she has a boyfriend (yes, I know I shouldn't snoop and look at his phone). That night AH got home from work at 12am with 2 female coworkers, who stayed outside while he came in to change clothes. He leaves with them to go to the bar - but doesn't get back until 3:40am (bars close at 2am here). He told me when he got home that it was none of my business where he'd been all night. The next day we got into an arguement (I initiated it, I think) and he told me that he met 2 neighbor girls a couple of days ago and shared some beer with them and he'd really like to f**k them (I know he said it because he knows it would hurt me hearing it - not because it's true - or at least not just because it's true).
Friday he didn't drink - for me, but at that point I was already really upset. I asked him who he texted earlier and he said he was texting the neighbor girl, because he gave her the double comic books he has (now he is very, very protective of his comic book collection - he once gave me a double to look at and I had to make sure I only touched the corners when turning the page and had clean hands etc.). I totally lost it and cried hysterically (seriously completely out of it as if I had a mental breakdown) for over an hour as he refused to talk to me and just completely ignored the fact that I was hurt by his actions. After a while he finally realized that I wasn't in a good place and decided to talk to me for a bit. I told him how I felt - he said he was sorry and that he really, really wants this marriage to work, after pushing him into telling me what I can expect of him in the next few days (until we'd have another talk), he said: I guess you can expect me to be a little grumpy because I won't drink.
Saturday night, I end up calling him at 1:20am (he had to work late, but this was later than usual). He let his voicemail pick up and then called me back a min. later saying that he and his male coworker are going over to another male coworkers house just to hang out for a bit and that he didn't know yet when he'll be home - possibly around 3ish. He came home at 7am!!!! I found out through a call he made that at least one of his female coworkers (the same one he had gone out with several days before) had been out with him too. Later he told me that they went to a frat party and that he made a bad choice, he was sorry, but that there were just a bunch of dudes hanging out playing beer pong all night. I was a mess all of sunday, he went to work and texted me how sorry he was, that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, etc. I texted the female coworker asking if she was the new girl AH is (trying to) hook up with now - she answered that she's not interested in married man, etc. then forwarded our conversation to AH and told him that I sound like a bitch (which I probably did but still) and that she wouldn't answer my texts anymore (yes, I snooped again). AH came home from work angry at me for looking at his phone records and texting his friend that I don't even know (well, I guess he has a right to be angry at that - I know it's not the most sanest thing to do).
I made it to work on Monday, but texted AH's coworker (telling her that she can call me a bitch if she wants and that I'm sure she'd be totally cool with it if her husband was to do xyz), then texted AH who got even angrier because I was texting his friend again (and she didn't want to hear from me anymore - didn't answer me either). I made it through the day, but as soon as I got home after work I had a complete breakdown - I was soo depressed and ended up lying on the floor a blubbering mess for hours, crying, screaming - just completely out of it (actually ended up smoking some weed - something I hadn't done in at least 1 1/2 years - never was an addict or anything - because I thought I truly wouldn't make it through the night without any type of self-medication). AH ended up going out to the store and to get food, and had texted with neighbor girl right before he left and called her right after he left (he was gone for almost an hour and the store isn't far from our house - 30 min tops and yes I had snooped again). After he got back and I was somewhat mellowed out, I tried to talk to him. AH said that I had had all day to talk, but I chose to go crazy instead and now wasn't the time to talk since it was already 10pm. Well that didn't sit well with me at all - and I ended up yelling at him, trying to make him see what he was doing to me, telling him that all he ever does is ignore me, etc.). He told me I was crazy/insane, and asked what kind of sane person would go through phone records, and that I don't deserve him telling me anything anymore because I lost that privilege. After I was raging and begging him to talk to me for some time, I finally realized that this wasn't going anywhere and took his advice to get away from him. I started packing a suitcase full of clothes. Woke up this morning, ready to stay strong and face the day... well he saw that I had packed and asked to talk to me. Told me he didn't want me to leave, etc. and somehow we ended up in the blame game (him blaming me for things I've done, me blaming him for things he's done) and he walked away, which just got me really upset, because I feel he always either walks away or shuts down when we’re trying to have a conversation. He told me we’d talk later, that I was getting too emotional and was pushing his buttons. He said we’ve got until Wednesday (because he had told me the night before that we would talk about things on Wednesday, since last night was not a good time to talk). I was upset, could feel the knot in my throat getting bigger and bigger, knew I’d have another breakdown if I didn’t do something. Skipped class, called in to work said I wasn’t coming in today, put the suitcase into my car, wrote AH a note saying that I’m here when he’s ready to work on things, on himself, and ready to have a conversation without walking away. Now I’ve been sitting in my car outside our house for over 1 ½ hours and just don’t know anymore - I don’t know what to do, what to feel, where to go (I know 2 people I could call, but they are at work right now), I just really, really don’t know anymore.
Was I wrong to act the way I did (apart from the obvious that I really just ended up harming myself by obsessing over AH again)? Did his behavior really justify me snooping through the phone records? What’s my fault in all of this (really need some help here, because in a way I can justify/ find excuses for everything I did that would make what I did right - but I‘m sure AH can do the same for all his actions and he tells me all the time how I only point out his faults and play it like I‘m perfect)? I feel like everything I've learned in the past few months is just gone - I didn't use any of the tools in the past week - I just let all my emotions and obsessions take over
