NEOMARXIST

You sound like what they call an alcoholic.

I'm an alcoholic and I can relate to much of what you wrote. You don't have to be daily drinker on a park bench to admit you're an alcoholic.

What finally kept me sober was realising that I ain't what they call a problem drinker but I am an alcoholic. If I continued then I would end up a homeless tramp. No doubt, either that or dead or in mental institution or prison, Likely dead.

That being said, unless I realised that I had a 'thinking' problem and not so much a 'drinking' problem, then I never stood a chance of staying sober. This is where 'recovery' comes in as staying sober undoubably requires the changing of ones 'thinking' to remain gratefully sober imo. This is a constant daily work in progress. But with time and sobriety you get to understand your 'thinking' more and can identify things and thoughts that crop up.

I wasn't a daily drinker either when I quit but an out and out blackout binger. I used to refer to myself as everything but alcoholic. I couldn't stay sober as why would I? What's stopping me picking up the first drink without knowing that I am an alcoholic. Knowing, accepting and embracing the FACT that I'm an alcoholic fundamentally keeps me sober. This is even more fundamentally important being 24 and living and being brought up in England where binge-drinking is the national pasttime. It's What keeps me aware of that first drink being poison to me, one day at a time.

Only you can decide what you are but deep-down I think I knew the truth for a long-time but chose to run away from it untill I couldn't keep going anymore. The YETS were happening and my life was in the toilet.

All The best