Thank you guys. Thanks Coffee.
Yeah ya no, I'm gonna be okay. Its just really hard to pick myself up sometimes.
He seems to think that us being together needs to come first before he commits to sobriety. He's looking for some sort of guarantee that I'll be there. And that's not how it works. Thank God I have enough smarts now that I know there is nothing I can do.
He wants me to be his "new fix." That's not even healthy talk and I didn't believe. I just slipped, got engaged, and upset because yeah..I was expecting something to happen.
I know that I am not strong enough to maintain that slope of "no" contact right now. He may be headed in the right direction or not, but regardless I'm not ready to be tested. I started to go down fairytale lane again...and it bit me in the ass. He's young, I mean chances are he gets better or he doesn't. No one in their right mind would marry him. I have nothing to be in a hurry about.
But man, he threw those buzzwords around and although I remained strong verbally. I crumbled inside....the funny thing is I gave him those exact buzzwords myself when I "explained" myself. I thought since I never really enabled in the obvious or classic ways (i.e. money, rides, etc, etc) I was okay. I thought it would be okay to maintain the most distance I ever have with him, but all the while still being emotionally open with him at the same time. Hhahaha. That's not giving him an oppurtunity to earn me. I gave him a set up. Because I didn't think he could figure out to get help by himself.
You were right Suki from other thread...I have to make him question whether I would ever reconsider. I guess I'm afraid that would be too much for him. And really, the whole thing is still about the fact that I am utterly so afraid to loose him for good. Ahh! ******* pipedreams! They never die!!
He loves me, that has been made clear...so I can handle that, but what he does about it. Isn't up to me. He's so busy feeling sorry for himself STILL he can't even make amends properly. I was so good, and then as soon as I got a familiar taste...I knew it was all ******** pretty much. And he ******* knows I know too. He has nothing to say.
It should have been clear as day that he's not healthy yet when the first thing that came out of his mouth wasn't "I'm sorry."
I had a friend who became addicted and he tried desperately to make amends with me. I kind of brushed him off, but he kept saying "I'm sorry for everything I did. Please forgive me." And boy, we have a pretty nice friendship now. All because he didn't give up on pursuing my forgiveness. Lovely X over here...started to get cute the minute I started to sniff him out. Going as far as "what's the point if you're to get judgmental?" After I started to ask questions about said "baby steps."
I have a right to judge what company I keep, thank you.
God Moron! LOL, I guess that makes me the moron for falling for it! Arr.