MaryGoRound

Backstory:
As I was trying to maintain my NC with XABF, he contacted me and after about three weeks he contacted me with "<3" So I didn't respond..thought it out and wrote to him how much I cared, explained my actions that needed explaining (things ways in the past we never talked about), and told him to get help or never see me again. He tried to bend me, but I wouldn't..Told him to help, plain and simple. I've been trying to move on, but you all know how hard it is. This is still a person I love..

He contacted me this weekend via text - I wouldn't answer his call. He told me he's realized after all this time after not talking he's realized how much he's hurt the people he cares about. I was very skeptical and cautious. He said he wanted to take me out to dinner (which as crazy as it sounds, we never did things like that...our relationship was more like artist friends...hard to explain) which was one of the things I said if he was sober, we could have done. I was really shocked. He's never acted like that really. He seemed responsive...not drunk, lol.

So I said if you are trying to take sobriety seriously then we can talk - he said he wanted to apologize face to face. I said that would be nice. Then he started with all the "well, you hate me anyways, etc ,etc..blah blah" Testing me out sorta. I was very bad and I didn't trust what he was saying..that he would eventually ask me so we could plan for it. He's never done that so I couldn't imagine him taking the initiative. He said he trying really hard to "not be that guy" and taking "baby steps" towards sobriety.

Well last night I text him "Well let me know when you want to go. That would be nice." He didn't respond. It was pretty late and I put aside that initial panic I get if he doesn't respond..There have been very painful times when he would run away from me in the past. So I tried to just forget about it. Well still no response today so I just started to loose control...

And I said "are you doing that thing again where u ignore me?"
He said "no, i just feel asleep pretty early last night"
I lost it. I'm pretty sure I completely lost it. All of this anger has been killing me and I tried to remain calm, but I let him have it.

I said "so what? you weren't going to respond? Everything u say that isn't mean, is most likely a lie. And you haven't even really apologized, you've just asked if I still hate u! You have destroyed me (I know, its me, but for texting sake , ya no..) and all you can say is do u still hate me?!! Grow up!! All you're going to do is hurt me over and over. You're not even sober. Don't contact me. Let me be sad myself."

I got triggered really, really bad by the lack of responsiveness. I felt so scared, back in that hopeful place again. So unbelievably scared. And I just feel bad because I felt like he was trying to apologize and I just got impatient and frustrated that he wasn't being more aggressive about it.

I'm so raw still. Vulnerable. And the half attempt to win me back just really pisses me offfffff. And I know, no contact means no contact. But he was being sweet so I can him a chance to talk. That's the frustrating part. I was like I'm giving you an opportunity here to voice your regrets, and you're pretty much not taking it.

Whew? Did i really mess up here? Does anyone have experience/advice?

I feel better now. I don't really feel anything most of the time anymore, but I got really panicked and I hated that because it felt very out of control and irrational.