I had a rough weekend. I seem to have a problem with Saturdays. I trigger all day long!
Last Saturday, I was at Bed Bath and Beyond. I LOVE that store, I was doing some shopping, picking up stuff for MY Place, doing my THING...and BAM. I am walking down the middle aisle, and I see a bunch of fun, palm tree glasses. I have the same glasses at home. My A used to call them 'the party glasses.' He asked me many times where I got them. I had no idea, they were a gift. But..here they are! Staring at me! I literally grabbed my phone, and started to look for his number. I was so excited!! "BABE! I found the glasses!!!"
Then.......................
SWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The wave hits me. Right in the middle of freaking BBB. I cannot call him. I cannot talk to him. I cannot share this with him. HOW STUPID! I stood there, my phone in my hand, just staring at it, tears rolling down my cheeks.
TRIGGER!
So, my excellent shopping experience was totally ruined by those stupid glasses. I went home, and spent the rest of the day sobbing. How could he do this to us? How can he forget me? How can he NOT TRIGGER like I am? How can he live in our memories, at his condo, sleep in OUR bed, and NOT TRIGGER? Why am I such a fool????
This past Saturday....more triggers. I was making vegetable soup, one of his favorites. I was doing just fine. Then, I thought to myself, who's going to taste test this soup? He always did. Who's going to eat all this? Is he eating? Did he go grocery shopping (Saturday was always my day to do our shopping).
Again.
SWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Tidal wave....
I was a mess all day. Terrible! I'm sick of triggering! I think I need to sleep through the next 6 months of Saturdays! I'm tired of being sad! I'm tired of him having all this control over my emotions.
It's not fair...I'm the one that left. No contact now for SIX WEEKS. And that's killing me too. I know, in the long run, it's the BEST thing. He is not attempting any contact, but WHY NOT???? Is it that easy to just forget about me? Was I that inconsequential in your existence, that you can just let me walk away.
So hard...I hate that I loved this person that never loved me. I really need to get over it!