RAH invited himself to a family function tonight. I agreed-reluctantly. He has been moved out of the house for a little over 2 months. Three weeks ago-he had an opportunity to tell me the truth on some financial issues-one with him; the other about his daughter whom he enables. He decided; no he CHOSE to lie to me. Without flinching.
As drove home from the family function he started "messing" with me. I didn't understand why he was still seeing our marriage counselor...wasn't clear to him that HE isn't willing to work on things? Otherwise, most people wouldn't LIE to the spouse he claims he can't live withOUT.
So-he wanted to know is there any hope, or am I just done. My anger was building and shades of my life and days with him started resurfacing in my mind as I drove. Do I want this? Do I really WANT this? How can he ASK me this...after I was the one who kep believing him only to be lied to time and time again. Do I really want someone who threatens to kill people if they talk to me? Do I really want someone who snoops on my emails from girlfriends and violates my privacy and justifies these actions? And he calmly said-that is part of his sickness. But I guess it's alright in his mind, for him to keep asking me to give him second, third, dozens, hundreds of chances.
Am I crazy for even asking these questions? I cried-and didn't hide it in front of him. Do you realized how much you have hurt me, I said? He cried more...
I have, since he has been out of the house for 2 months, a sense of peace for myself I haven't know in 9 years. I realized that it is better for ME that he isn't here and in my life. I have worked HARD on not allowing the parts of him that hurt me-not engaging-detaching successfuly, methodically and it's been good. Then why, oh why, am I affected by this craziness? Why can't I, when confronted with his twisted questions, just say-no, it's over and I don't want this bs in my life anymore. I'm sorry it has turned out this way, but I cannot honor my self and my sanity and serenity if I stay with you in this situation. Why can't I say that without being afraid he will hurt me (physcially-even though he has never threatened me; just others if they have contact with me), or retaliated through using my emotions?
Argh. I know all days can't be diamonds and this one certainly was not. Tomorrow is another day-and, I will be better because it couldn't be more heartbreaking than tonight.
