transformyself

You can do this, Girl. Keep NO CONTACT, and you'll keep moving towards freedom. But it's got to start in your head and heart. Use your determination and don't let your mind wander towards those "what if" questions! Make up your mind and don't waiver!

What's it going to hurt to try this? I tried tricking myself for a long time, by telling myself that I was going to try this radically new thing--called staying away from the A--just to see what happened. I'd tried everything else, why not?

Now I know, beyond all doubt, that I am happier without him. It's my choice. But I had to brutalize myself over and over before I reached this determined state.

this kind of thinking is what kept me ON the roller coaster. Thinking about AH, not myself. I, too, have engaged with my AH in cycles since leaving him. But each cycle away from him has gained me, step by step, the strength and hope I need to fully focus on my own damn life.

At this time, I'm reaping the by-product of that work. Being desperate to get and stay away from the pain I experience every time I engage with AH is how I've created a life and career that I love. After moving out of denial that we could finally be happy together, whenever I felt desperate and jonesing for that "fix" I choose instead to throw myself into making my life better.

Today I"m only grateful to be away from him. None of his little tricks work, because I don't allow myself to START the process of undermining all my hard work by shifting back into that denial. By letting myself think about him. I actually see it now as arrogant. He's got his own life! He is in charge of himself, not me. And to think I can help, change or even partner with him is insane and unhealthy for him and me both.

I"m in a new cycle- one where I"m excited about my life, excited to see what I can do on my own. And without these positive things, without facing my fear of facing myself, I would be drawn again and again to that pit of quicksand.