Have not really recalled when the relationship with my parents changed. I can remember, in my very early life, little about my parents. As time moved along the relationship with them, and my-self, began to change. Mom was an addict and dad an alcoholic and I was desperate to fit in with my friends. The level of authoritarian control by my dad and mom's passive aggression made life hell. I was determined to get what I wanted regardless of the consequences. Consequences could be severe, with dad whipping me and mom saying; "that's not enough". Life followed that pattern for most of my youth. I hated them almost as much as I hated myself.
I blamed them for my problems in life and hated them accordingly. It was not until I got sober, did I realize they were sick people, who, through my own behaviors, caused them to use the only means of correction/discipline, they knew how to use. Granted, what they did was wrong/abuse, but, I had to own my part as well.
I did not have children because I knew what I was capable of doing and I didn't want to be responsible enough to change. It was another symptom of my self-centeredness.
I thought I would have to read letters to them at their graves but sobriety opened mind heart and mind to acceptance and forgiveness. I could always tell how much anger/rage I had towards them by how angry i would become when talking about them. It doesn't happen anymore. I continue to work on forgiving myself, and life is better than it ever could have been before.
We are all on our journey here. Each of us has had similar experiences with subsequent damages. Getting it out and not letting anymore accumulate are key to recovery, so it is vitally important to get some sort of help.
It will take time. We didn't suddenly get in bad shape, so, we can't expect to recover all at once, either. It's a process which continues, day by day, with some days far better than others.
Love? I'm learning more about it daily. As I do, I find I am loving others as well as loving myself, a little at a time. I t won't happen if I don't put forth the time and effort.
Don't give up. Don't live in fear. Love others and you will learn to love yourself. You will find you are a good person regardless.................. Peace.:ghug3