My story is of a alcoholic mother, and a detached father, who wouldn't protect me against her insane rages. She ran the house, and she drank-A LOT. And she was a mean, vicious drunk.
For a young boy, this was a horrible situation. I was so ashamed of her, & since I NEVER knew what I would walk in on when I got home from school, I wouldn't bring any friends over at ANY time. I hated HIM for being such a cowardly WIMP. I became socially withdrawn, sexually confused, developed self-hatred, didn't care about school, constantly acting out, & was known as a "bad" kid by the time I was a teenager.
I was an accident waiting to happen by then. I WANTED to smoke dope. I WANTED to trip on LSD. I WANTED to drink myself to death if I could.
How I hated them. For years.
To make a long story short, I was able to begin the process of forgiving a few years ago. I realized that I had no hope if I kept blaming them for what I had become. So, I forgave them a couple of years ago & finally got sober.
But I would be lying if I said I loved them. That sucks, but I had to get rid of my self-imposed guilt trip because of the way I felt towards them & accept the things/feelings I could not change.
I have their pictures on my wall. But that's as close as I can get.
Please don't let those horrible, negative feelings eat you alive like I did.
Let it go.