I just need to get this out...
For those of you that don’t know…
I’ve recently decided to end a relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend. While painful, it was the right thing to do. The chaos he brought to my life, even though he is now (so he says) 7 months sober, not very much of the alcoholic behavior has changed. In the midst of all this, my 19 year old son, who lives on the other side of the country, began a spiral into alcohol and drugs. This has been devastating to me as a mother and as a human being. But I’m coping… with help. I’m in therapy, going to Al Anon, and staying close to this board.
Here’s what I want to get out.
In the initial shock last week of realizing just how out of control my son’s life is becoming, I reached out to the ex. I wanted to hear his voice, and wanted information… from the alcoholic’s perspective. I got more than I bargained for.
He took it upon himself to say “the difficult things to me” and “to stand up to me because no one else will”… keep in mind, we’ve had very, very little contact since January. But, for some reason, he felt it was his place to tell me The Truth… as he saw it.
One of the things my son has stated to me is that he’s just going to come live with me. Under normal circumstances, I would welcome this. However, he is not welcome if he is using. Not at all. If he is trying to turn his life around, I will give him whatever support I can. At this point, he’s not, so I will bide my time. When I brought this up to the ex, he went off on me…
“You have to let him live with you. I know you’re too good a person to turn him away. You have money, you can help him. If you don’t help him now, if you don’t try… how are you going to feel when you get the phone call that he’s dead?”
Wait… what???
Let’s see, what else? There were lots of things he said that were utterly baffling to me. It was as if I was hearing this person speak for the first time. He was basically putting this kid’s very survival on me. He says he’s been going to AA… but has he listened? Has he learned? He actually said that my taking in my son at this point might be the only chance at redemption I’ll have for the mistakes I made as a mother.
Shut up.
I know he thinks that he really opened my eyes to the reality of the situation, but what he doesn’t realize that that 30 minute conversation proved to me that he’s not sober… he’s dry. He still thinks that people can be “fixed”, even though no one was able to “fix” him for 20 years. I also realized how far I’ve come, that I can still love someone and not assimilate their chaos into my daily life. Yes, I worry and yes, I pray and yes, I have hope.
But I no longer have guilt for something…
I didn’t cause.
I can’t cure.
I can’t control.
By no means am I healed. By no means am I whole. But I am better than I was and, for that, I am grateful.