Aysha

Oh brother. Another almost regretful self sabotage episode.
I have been really struggling the past few weeks. The IOP is really getting to me. Out of 15 groups a week, I may get something out of 1 or 2 of them. Yesterday our womens group there turned into people complaining and getting upset about others in the group talking about them behind their back. Which then turned into some stupid high school drama that took over the enegy of the rest of the day.
Are you freaking kidding me??
I mean seriously! We are all grown adults.
And the rest of the time is alot of the counselors just talking. I wish they did more interactive groups. Not just reading things for an hour and a half every group. I feel like I am trapped in Ferris Buellers day off where Ben Stein is calling "Bueller....Bueller...Bueller." GAAHH!
Plus at my own fault I have let the negative energy suck me in and found myself doing what I hate. Looking for flaws in others. Taking their inventory. Bceause I am feeling bad, I am going to take it out on others.
Thats how I get down. So I had to cut that off quick.
And just all of it building and me not talking about it like I should have.
I almost packed up and left the house yesterday.
I even told my family and called my worker.
But I did give it time and sat on it and then talked to a couple people and my couynselor first. And even before I did talk to my counselor yesterday. I really tho0ught about it and looked at how I felt about leaving.
And it wasnt a good feeling. I needed to do the pros and cons.
I took myself into that decision by sorta living it after the fact. And it didnt feel right or good.
I felt liek a failure and it just felt like the wrong thing to do on so many levels.
So once I took myself out of that impulsive, angry, negative frame of mind and really looked at it all in the grand scheme of things.
I really got alot of insight.
I found myself lookin and finding a million excuses too.
Ones that sounded valid at the time.
Lets be real tho.
This isnt the time for me to be playing around and taking even the littlest things lightly.
Because its those tiny bad feelings that make me act on impulse and then turn things into some seriously potentially life changing events.
I know what would have happened. And it would have been good.
Maybe not right away. But later on it would have bit me in the azz.
I know me. And I cant fool myself anymore.
I am done trying to convince others and especially myself of things I know is wrong but WANT to do.
Its not about easy right now.
I need to suffer a little right now. Whats 6 mos compared to over 20 yrs already and the rest of my life ahead?
I am beginning to feel and get those bonds with other addicts f2f like I have here with some of you.
OMG!! I feel it 100X more f2f.
I am beginning to be engaged and hang on almost every share.
I see the fellowship coming together in ways that are amazing.
For example...My friend from the house moved into the apartment program and she didnt have anything, like dishes, cleaning products, just stuff. People heard this and now she has too much stuff. One lady even went shopping and bought her all kinds of cleaning supplies and lamps.
One guy needed help moving. He must have gotten 10 people just by announcing that at the end of a meeting.
Thats whats up people!
I have never seen so many people be so enthused for someone to have just one day clean. Or to be so understanding and welcoming for the ones who decided to try their luck out there again and came back.
The caring for strangers is unreal.
I have seen things I longed for and fouyght to get in the streets from others. Respect, belonging and somewhere I felt like I was needed and wanted.
I am getting that now.
I really cant even put into words how it feels.
And it didnt happen just like that. I have been going only 2 and a half months and am just now seeing and feeling most of this.
I did before, but I wasnt very accepting of it. I was still resisting alot.
Who would have ever thought that me!!!...Trish!!.....would ever be saying these things right now. HAHAHA!!
I was so anti meetings.
Its funny what happens when you will finally surrender and do whatever it takes.
I still have alot of my own will, because my HP is not a being rather an energy.
But I do give my will over to that energy and just let life happen.
I am ok with that.
I woulda been out if there weeks ago if not sooner before.
Its good to be aware now. More aware of myself. And it is so freeing to be aware and not ignore it or just push it off because its an awareness I dont like.
Yes yall, I may just be getting it this time.
The real surrender and acceptance.
It isnt easy, but it is definately way better.
Thx for letting me unload on you guys.
I owe alot of this to you guys.
I would never even have made to this point without you all.
Thank you.

Oh and I almost at the half way mark too!! Time is kinda going fast.