Originally Posted by
BurningChrome 
Her being hurt and in pain and me seeing her and not being able to help stop the pain is one of my past, primary drinking triggers. Took her to a local emergency room this past Tuesday her pain was so bad, all they did once they knew her past medical history is prescribe more powerful pain medicine and told us to go see her regular doctors. I am 99% sure this health backslide for her was caused by her recent changing her part time job from being a cashier to doing alot of stocking on various store shelves which involves alot of bending, squatting, lifting, etc. We see her long time spine and pain management doctor next Monday and I am really hoping that is what it is and this is a short time thing and she can get back to where she was with rest and several weeks of physical therapy. I believe this to be the case as tonight, she can lift her left leg on her own much more than just a couple of days ago.
But whooee, ALL of my "Have a drink!!" buttons are being pounded upon numerous times a day since last Sunday; the _Urge_ to swing into a liquor store on the way home from work, buy a big bottle of vodka, help her in the evening get to bed and then go back to nightly, getting hammered to numb the pain of watching what she is going thru is almost overwhelming. By Monday, she could not lift her left leg off of the floor, just like when she was paralyzed before. I believe the only thing keeping me from drinking just now is what happens if I wake up at 2:00a.m. with her screaming in pain (as happened in 2001) and she needs to get to a hospital. I could call 911 and ride with them but to show up at a hospital drunk, in her hour of need is something I just cannot face. She is Korean, came here in '96, and while her English is good, she relies on me for all things medical and to make medical choices for her.
Have hung tough for now, have not drank anything since Feb. 20th, nor do I plan to, but DAMN this is sure making things harder than I planned for....
Thanks for listening, I feel better. My family and friends know what is going on and have been sympathetic and helpful, but _None_ of them know how this situation ties in so tightly with my past drinking. Just typing it out here and "sharing" the pain and difficulty helps!
Peace,
..Mike