Poor timing... Getting pummeled by reality
This will appear to some to be a wordy, "whiney", post, bear with me, I just need to air a few bad turns as I know that will help me thru. I first posted here several weeks back after reading postings here for several weeks prior to that. Picked a nice "stable" calm time to quit and I had my last drink on Saturday morning, Feb. 20th (turned 50 last year, been a daily drinker for many yrs. while still manintaining my tech job as I only drank at home, ever). Abit of a rough stretch the first week, but I received immeasurable support here at SR. A week ago last Thursday, just before my 2 weeks from alcohol, my "safe" well paying job was cut by congress (it was one of those pesky "defense" tech jobs, therefore unpalatible to the current congrss). My last day will be next Friday. I'm thinking Ok, I can deal with this, I am skilled, educated, prepared finacially for a lay off, may take awhile, but I'll look for and find another job.
3 days later, last weekend, my wife wakes up Sunday morning and can just barely walk; backstory: 2001, a doctor made a mistake with her prescription medcine, her blood lost most of its ability to clot, she had a spontaneous bleed in her lower spinal column, needed emergency neurosurgery and even with that, it caused lower spine damage and she went from being 98% healthy to paralyzed from the waist down (in 24 hours) and in a wheel chair in a 3 level townhouse. Took her 2 years of brutal, painful physical therapy to get from a wheel chair, to a walker, to a cane, to where she is now legally handicapped but still walks with a limp and is in daily chronic pain. From 2001 for 3-4 years, I spent from 6:00a.m. until 10:30p.m. every day of the week, taking care of her, carrying her to the shower every morning, helping her dress, then downstairs to her wheelchair, making sure everything was within reach for the day before I left for work for the day, then finished 8-9 hours at work, stopped by the store(s), came home, helped around the house, tried to cheer her up, made numerous calls to in-home physical therapists and nurses for in-home care, helped with dinner, paid bills, took care of routine household things, got her upstairs and to bed, then came back downstairs for 1-2 hours and just got hammered every night as my own way to relax after another stressfull 15-18 hour day; _that_ was my treasured 1-2 hours of "down time" to myself to help me get to sleep, get up and do it all over again the next day.
Her being hurt and in pain and me seeing her and not being able to help stop the pain is one of my past, primary drinking triggers. Took her to a local emergency room this past Tuesday her pain was so bad, all they did once they knew her past medical history is prescribe more powerful pain medicine and told us to go see her regular doctors. I am 99% sure this health backslide for her was caused by her recent changing her part time job from being a cashier to doing alot of stocking on various store shelves which involves alot of bending, squatting, lifting, etc. We see her long time spine and pain management doctor next Monday and I am really hoping that is what it is and this is a short time thing and she can get back to where she was with rest and several weeks of physical therapy. I believe this to be the case as tonight, she can lift her left leg on her own much more than just a couple of days ago.
But whooee, ALL of my "Have a drink!!" buttons are being pounded upon numerous times a day since last Sunday; the _Urge_ to swing into a liquor store on the way home from work, buy a big bottle of vodka, help her in the evening get to bed and then go back to nightly, getting hammered to numb the pain of watching what she is going thru is almost overwhelming. By Monday, she could not lift her left leg off of the floor, just like when she was paralyzed before. I believe the only thing keeping me from drinking just now is what happens if I wake up at 2:00a.m. with her screaming in pain (as happened in 2001) and she needs to get to a hospital. I could call 911 and ride with them but to show up at a hospital drunk, in her hour of need is something I just cannot face. She is Korean, came here in '96, and while her English is good, she relies on me for all things medical and to make medical choices for her.
Have hung tough for now, have not drank anything since Feb. 20th, nor do I plan to, but DAMN this is sure making things harder than I planned for....
Thanks for listening, I feel better. My family and friends know what is going on and have been sympathetic and helpful, but _None_ of them know how this situation ties in so tightly with my past drinking. Just typing it out here and "sharing" the pain and difficulty helps!
Peace,
..Mike