For the longest time, I needed my Mom to acknowledge and apologize for the chaos that she forced us to live in. I worked at it, I raged at it, I yelled about it. She would not budge, she denied. I had such anger and rage and if she would just admit it all, I would feel better. I was asking something of her - emotional honesty and insight - that she was incapable of giving.
So in this tug of war we were in, I just put down my end of the rope. I am powerless over people and things and I cannot make her change so that I will feel better.
I was wanting her to validate me - to let me know that I mattered - and once I realized that, I realized the futility and just let it go. I could hold myself in high esteem, I didn't need it from an external source.
Once I began to accept (the things I cannot change) this, my rage lessened and my esteem rose and I no longer needed those things from her.