Originally Posted by
Kirsty 
Can you fellow adult children identify with the rage im feeling? Is it a process?Is it possible to be able to let go of the past?
Yes, yes and yes.
When I became willing to let go of the past and resentments something happened.
The last time I saw my father,(probably the last time I'll see him alive) he hacked on me about my motorcycle. I can take being hacked on, but this is an industry for him. Beyond sports and weather, what he finds lacking in me is the only other thing he has ever talked about with me. He's an artist and finding fault with me is his true medium.
He was blathering on about some drama he wanted me to participate in, but the motorcycle thing just stuck out this time. Not only did he once ride motorcycles, he sold me a motorcycle once. The absolute insanity of it all really struck me. As I looked at this closely, the scope of the insanity unfolded. This man is gripped by pure madness. The decades of drama, the violence, the tirades, all the rantings of a mad man.
My wanting him to be a father is not unreasonable, he simply does not have it to give.
Digesting that has led to the realization that everything, and I mean everything that I carried away from my relationship with him was based on an illusion. There could be no reflection of me because the mirror was broken.
That is the filter I need to use in my life every day. Self doubt, anger, shame, regret, all of it I need to run through that filter to find the truth.