Thread: Raging at parents
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Old 03-10-2010, 11:08 AM
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dothi
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
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Hi Kirsty, you are not alone in this feeling.

I am recently coming out of a few years of seething, bubbling anger that I could not figure out how to release. After growing up in a house full of denial, it was like the dam had burst and the waves of anger were years of backlogged, pent up feelings. Any interaction with the unhealthy members of my family only prodded the open wound, and stirred the anger up.

Try googling the stages of grief and see how they might apply to your relationship with your childhood. I found knowing these stages really helped me identify where I was at in the "letting go" process.

Originally Posted by cobra8 View Post
The worst thing about growing up in a crappy, alcohol or drug damaged, or abusive home is that the parents will rarely ever be honest about things, even years later.
This 100%

In order to deal with the anger I had to remove myself from the reinforcing behaviors of my family (your feelings aren't as important as ours, you don't really need help, you don't really need attention, you need to get better to focus on us again) It's not the easiest option, but for me, it was the most effective.

Even when I was a teenager still living under my parents' roof, all the work I did was to get at my main goal: get out and get better.
My AF is like cobra's parents - so busy telling people what a great father he is, but WILL NOT TALK to his children about any "mistakes" he ever made (drinking through holidays, forgetting birthdays and special ocassions, screaming fits during car rides home, etc.) It was not possible for my brain to start getting better (and stay better) until it was no longer exposed to my AF's ongoing toxicity.

Keep journalling. Keep getting the feelings out. It will feel pointless at times, like you're not making any progress. It will feel like the pain will never go away. It's part of how our minds dramatize things: we believe we're either 100% better or we're 100% not. Don't necessarily believe the times your brain is telling you that you've made "no progress".

My mind became overwhelmed with all the "little things" that my parents had done (or not done) that really hurt me. As an adult, I needed time to go over each one and accept that it wasn't my fault, my parents were not going to apologize for it, and I needed to move forward. I had to do this one issue at a time. This helped me expose the deeper layers of betrayal I was feeling, and finally work through those too.

The bad news: It's not fair, and it's not going to be made up to you, even though you didn't do anything (besides be born) to deserve it.

The good news: It's your life. How you choose to live it is truly your own choice now. You sound very committed to your recovery. It can be a long journey, but you are already much further along than you realize


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