Marie - I zeroed in on a word you used ... "deserve". It almost sounds like you were thinking that relapsing was the reward for abstaining.
I'm trying to think, for myself anyway, that the reward for not drinking and smoking is being alive and having at least a chance at being happy - truly happy - one day. I am 100% sure I have zero chance of that if I am drinking. I've put myself back and forth through it enough times that I'm satisfied that this is one thing I know with certainty.