Originally Posted by
wifeofadrinker 
Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships with Alcoholics
If I just explain my needs/wants/feelings, s/he will surely listen respectfully, have a thoughtful discussion, and work to compromise/cooperate with me.
I believed that one. Boy, did I ever believe it. But I was right to believe it. It's how my family worked. How my friendships worked. How things worked in my parents' marriage, in my mother's marriage with my stgepfather (after my dad died). How it worked with my brother and his wife. How it worked with my cousins in their relationships. In the marriages of my friends. It's how things should work. How things could work.
It just didn't work with him.
Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was that he grew up in a family where no one ever let him explain his needs, wants, feeling, where no one ever listened to him respectfully, etc...
Who knows. But it never worked with him.
And I thought: Hmmm, I must not be being clear, I must not be being direct, I must not be being thoughtful.
But it wasn't me. I was transmitting, he wasn't receiving. I slowly figured it out. He's not receiving altho I'm transmitting clearly. Hmmm....maybe we should discuss my need, want, feeling about his not receiving. LOL, was I dim or what?
It took SOOOOOOOO long to figure out he wasn't receiving because he chose not to receive. And then...never easily discouraged...I tried to discuss, reason, understand, etc... why he was choosing not to receive.
This is why it took FOUR years to figure out IT DIDN'T MATTER. The choice was enough. It was was a choice. Even that didn't matter. Was he unable to receive or unwilling? Both meant the same thing: I was wasting my time.
It's America, a free country.
You have the right not to receive no matter how clearly, fairly or reasonably it's transmitted to you.
You have the right to be an alcoholic and lie and sneak and manipulate to maintain your alcoholism. Nobody has to participate.
You have the right to be momma's little man--even if you are 49 years old.
You have the right to be a poor parent. Even if you are ruining a nice little girl, or setting up a troubled kid for a life of jails and mental hospitals. It's America, and you have the right to be a bad father...as long as you feed them, clothe them, and don't put too many bruises on them.
And I have the right to walk away and set up my life any way I want too.