Hi KP. I can only sympathise with you as I got together with my exABF 17 years after we first met - when I almost left my husband (now ex) for him. We had an 'emotional affair' then and I fell in love with him but I couldn't leave as it went against everything I believed in and morally I knew it was wrong. I confessed all to my husband and he forgave me. We managed another 15 years before he left me but that's another story.
I didn't speak to my exABF for 17 years and when we met up again, both free, I thought this was our moment. I didn't contact him until I was divorced and had spent two years on my own, working through all the baggage from my marriage. I can't say I had loved him all that time but when we met up again it was incredible. Really incredible. I was very distressed when I discovered he was an alcoholic but was prepared to give him a chance, lots of chances, because like you I thought we were 'meant to be together'.
There's my red flag. I conveniently overlooked all the clear indications that he had serious problems because we were 'meant to be together'. There's my fantasy.
So here I am now, with it all in tatters because, you know, he wasn't the man I thought he was. I have no idea if it was the alcoholism or an innate part of his personality that made him lie so comprehensively and pathologically but you know that doesn't really matter.
What matters is that, no matter how much it hurts, I accept the situation for what it is, grieve for what I thought we had (and despite it being a fantasy I am really grieving) and learn to listen more carefully to my gut instinct - which was shouting to be heard from the beginning. Maybe if I had listened I wouldn't be feeling as if my heart has been ripped in two.
I've been following your story and I really admire you. I think you are being so strong and I really understand how difficult it is to get through this but you know, you are worth it. You are so worth that list at the end of your post.
As am I, as am I.