Should I be here?
Last week, I attended my first Al-Anon meeting.
After 15 years of semi-discontented marriage, I am finally in counseling for myself (hmm it's only taken me that plus the 5 years we dated to really figure out that I can only change myself), and the counselor suggested that my husband's alcoholism may be the root of my marital unhappiess.
When I read other people's stories...even those whose partner is a "functional" alcoholic, my life seems fairly tame/manageable though I have no doubt that my husband is an alcoholic: A few mo. back, I noticed how quickly the wine and whiskey bottles were collecting in the recycle bin, so I tracked what he was drinking for a few weeks. He was averaging 4-6 drinks an evening (starts after work). He used to drink primarily beer, added wine about 4-5 years ago, and hard liquor a year or two ago. We had a huge snowstorm last month and he quipped on his Facebook page "Snowed in. No bourbon. Tried to make it through to the liquor store but had to turn back. Doomed." (This was true...the store is about 3 blocks away and he did walk about 1/2 way there before turning back). He rarely gets obviously drunk.
I pointed the 4-6 drink thing out to him as he/his Dr. were concerned about his b.p...and I honestly don't know if he realized how much he was consuming. I was non-accusatory, and I hadn't tracked him since until now....after my counselor's comment last week, I started a new "inventory" of what's in the house and what ends up in the recycle bin. Interestingly, there were several "emptys" in the liquor cabinet (I drink rarely... a beer maybe 1x/mo, so I don't normally go into that cabinet). His typical laziness (eg he leaves the empty milk carton and empty cereal boxes on the counter), or an attempt at deceptive behavior?
As for his/my behavior, I just started reading a book on co-dependency, and we are the classic co-dependent/counter-dependent couple. He's self-absorbed, defensive, angry, domineering. I'm angry, critical and I nag. But really not about his drinking (maybe 3-4 times in the many years we've been together...and then it wasn't nagging and there was no anger on my part). More about things like wet towels on the floor, empty ice trays. Stupid stuff...and I know I need to stop. But some not stupid stuff (he was incensed once when I was worried/upset when he didn't call me about a 3 hr delay in his flight)...and obviously I remember many transgressions for months or years. His "addictions" include his work and his hobbies, so I often feel like a single parent.
His quick anger can include getting overly physical (dare I say abusive?) w/ our kids (grabbing our 3 y.o by the back of his shirt collar ---consequently pulling the front of the shirt across the front of his neck...1/2 dragging our 7y.o. up the stairs by her arm. These kinds of incidents can occur whether or not he's had a drink.
When I think about leaving him, I worry that he would become vindictive and fight for 1/2 time physical custody, though clearly he prefers to leave as much parenting to me as possible (though he does do quite a bit as our lives necessitate...just not a source of joy for him as it is for me).
Anyway, I've been trying to wrap my brain around the paradigm shift from "my dh is a jerk" to "my dh is a jerk because he is an alcoholic." Seems like Al Anon could be helpful either way?
YOUR thoughts?