Thread: I'm sober now...they're not.
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Old 03-03-2010, 08:56 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
dothi
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
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Hi Cantonian, welcome to SR

The first thought that struck me reading your post was: you are in recovery, and they are not.

The further you come along in your recovery, the most obvious the toxic patterns of behavior come from. This was probably happening (on some level) while you were still drinking with them.

FWIW your situation is eerily similar to that of my AF and brother. AF is facing retirement, didn't plan for it, and spends his spare time drinking through his woes. Although brother is old enough to support himself, he lives at home and is drinking buddies with AF. I'm not there to see it, but I've heard that when they drink heavy, they get into terrible fights. AF can't admit he's ever done anything wrong, and brother can't get over the things AF has done wrong (I think he's waiting for AF to apologize and acknowledge brother's feelings). It's a painful cycle that's stuck on replay in their brains, and it's rough on the rest of the family (my mom, sister, and I) to hear because it repeatedly dredges up all the fun, emotionally-charged junk in our heads.

My solution was distance. Distance, distance, distance with love. I will support my dad or my brother in any steps they make towards helping themselves. But it has not been good for my own well-being - mentally and physically - to be near this. It is also very distressing for my mom to be managing the tension (but it is her choice to remain there as well).

The last time I was trapped (financially) under the roof of an alcoholic (my AF), I had to make goals towards removing myself and cutting off that financial foothold of power he had on me. Even if the goals took months and ultimately years, they had to happen or I was going to go crazy.

Let your son know your goals. I think many kids resent that their sober parent didn't do more to protect from the alcoholic adults in their lives (usually spouses). Make it clear that you're not working hard to maintain your situation; you're working hard to change it. Your son needs to understand these toxic relationships aren't normal and warrant leaving; he needs to know this before it becomes "normal" for him to see in people.

Does your son have any safe refuge from grandpa A and uncle A? Does he have a choice whether or not to stay with them? Do they babysit sometimes?

Is he physically at risk from them?

Lastly, be realistic with your goals and don't beat yourself up if it takes months to finally change your situation.
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