Yesterday I was really down in the dumps, feeling bad, missing XABF, and against my better judgement I was communicating a bit with him via email as he's still in Florida. (Actually, truth be told, the couple days leading up to yesterday I had started to miss him, it got worse and worse)
The emails were really tense, he said some nasty things, it hurt me. Throughout the day I could feel myself changing physically and mentally, and not for the better.
Over the past few days my housework has not been getting done to the best of my ability. Thoughts were consumed of him, what was he doing, who was he with, is he drinking, why hasn't he contacted me, is he happy, did he meet someone etc.
By the time dinner time rolled around yesterday, I found myself in physical pain. The stress induced chest pain that had put me in the hospital over a year ago was back, but not nearly as bad as it was previously.
I sat and was reading something funny, my laughter quickly switched and I was very close to an all out bawl-fest....realized what was happening and got up, composed myself and carried on.
Later on I was very grumpy, not very nice to the kids, angered easily, frustrated easily, no sense of humor etc.
Today it hit me...just now as I was tidying my girls room.
I saw the cycle....communication with him, leads me to depression, anger, being angry with my kids for no reason etc.
That's what was wrong with me! I was communicating with him, and everything changed! I went back to that person I was when we lived together, and I hated that girl! I don't want to be that girl!
I pride myself on being a great mom, and a good friend to my kids. I pride myself on my patience and care giving where they are concerned, and he never did bring that out in me.
He brought out and apparently continues to bring out the worst in me.
LIGHTBULB moment!!
So today, once again I'm taking my life back.
Taking my house back.
Taking myself back.
1 step forward, two steps back is what I did there. From now on, it's all steps ahead, guns blazing and not looking back.
I want someone who brings out the BEST in me. Not someone who turns me into someone I do not want to be.
Very thankful for that awakening today! Man, I needed that!
