luckiestspouse

I'm new here. I'm 27. I've been abusing all kinds of drugs at my leisure since I was about 21.

pot
coke
crystal meth (became a dealer...)
adderall

Then I got pregnant, stopped everything. Got married and had the baby. A year later I started to get the "itch" again.

xanax
vicoden
tussionex
tramadol

I'm trying to make the brief b/c it's not something I'm proud of. I'm actually VERY mad about it. I hate this aspect of myself. I'll be fine for months, doing yoga, eating relatively right, keeping my son and husband happy by being there for them and their needs and then out of NO WHERE my brain says...

"hey. drugs would be a good idea"

then I manage to get whatever I want by complaining to the doctor of my so called "symptoms" abuse the rx for about 3 days, that's how long it lasts, and then I stop. Usually. But winter months are harder. It's been 2 months now that I've gone to different doctors for different things. And now... my heart kinda hurts when I breathe.

I don't know if it's just stress from doing what I do to myself, or if it's something else entirely but I'm way too embarrassed to go to the doctor for them to take a look at my situation and let them know my extra curricular activities.

what I want more than anything is to stop. to be happy with sobriety. I have a wonderful husband and son...a privileged life, if you will, and I screw it up. what I'm most afraid of is loosing my family to this.

I want out.