I enjoyed my day at the office. I laughed a lot with my coworkers. I went to a mesotherapy session with a neighbor, she is from my same city and we talked about a lot of things... nice lady... she also gives some alternative therapies and told me many women go to ask for something for their partners to stop drinking... I felt bad for them..
Then I went to a little spa and bought a massage oil that smells delicious... got my eyebrows trimmed (I looked like Frida Khalo already) and enjoyed the chat with a woman my age.
Then I passed near an arcade, played the shooting game (I am good in the precision exercise with the human siluette!!!!!!!!), won 2 chocolates. Got them under the pillow as a surprise for BF.
Ironed some BF's stuff, put some order around, waited for 4 hours while he came back from work.. .at 11 I call and he says he went with his boss for a drink.. ok I say. I truly don't mind he is out, I LOVE being alone with my cats. I spent hours taking care of things, some of them his...I was singing and very content... looking forward for him to arrive...
Then he arrives... a little tipsy. Makes advances. I reject him. We try to chat and he says "oh no... YOU dont even IMAGINE how much I work!!! huh! YOU got no idea..." and I was like "huh?" I felt that my job and intelligence were insulted. I tried to breathe to no avail. I told him I wanted him not to make those comments anymore (not new). He said OK.
Then he says "let me wash the dishes... you deserve it" HUH? I asked "why?" and he said "because you look pretty"
HUH? so I said "if I looked ugly you wouldn't wash the dishes? you say that as it was a PLUS and a big favor?" then he started "why does God does this to me??? I'm a good man...." ohh the victim...
By then I realized I was triggering all right, I told him in HALT I was angry and tired, and that we should sleep and maybe tomorrow things are different. I asked him not to talk anymore tonight.
Then he asked if he could give me a massage. My glance back said it all.
He is now asleep.
It didn't help that I got my music in shuffle and a song that reminded me of XABF when in our good times played. Not that I missed him in the same pathetic way I used to, but I remembered a few good moments. When I pass he looks away. I wondered if in any tiny little part of him he also remembers the days together that were beautiful. If it is really true he erased everything from his mind and heart. Probably.
Anyway... back to the topic...
I was soooooooo excited about our trip and things and now I realize I'm still supercodie and I still feel I do soooooooooo much more than him... put so much more than him to the plate in almost all areas....... and I think again my life may be better without this person... I was almost crying of gratitude and joy in my heart then I come down so very easily... my sanity and recovery are much more fragile than I thought.
You know, during mesotherapy I asked for some remedy to fight pessimism for my BF who seems very frustrated with life. Now I tell myself, to stop trying to be a good gf and don't spend any extra penny on him or do anything nice for him, because I resent him afterwards....... and that that remedy will be better used if I am the one taking it.
You would think I have learned not to try change or improve someone, that they have to get tired of who they are.
And now I'll go next room to cry because alcohol still affects my life. But I feel fine because I no longer swallow these things... before I would have acted strong and kept it all to myself.. know I share my errors and steps back and accept my vulnerability and feelings..that's progress at least...
Ok be right back
thank you, thank you for being out there.