HI, KP.
My A has been beyond terrible to me, and I am still stuck. I am still asking those questions all the time. I am even at a place where I do not want him to choose us, because of how awful it is when he does, but still, that magical thinking gets me deep.
I am seeing a good therapist. She has decided to work on the part of me who cant see the facts. Her advice was this: He keeps asking to come home, in between drinking, during drinking, in between verbal and emotional attacks, during the attacks...He still thinks he should be here with us. I am afraid. SHe wanted me to do an experiment.
She asked what was I comfortable with. I said, I am not comfortable with him coming home to stay, moving in, etc...BUT I would be willing to try to cultivate some positive energy by going slow. baby steps.
She suggested that I tell him that, and hold my ground. Ask him to dinner, early evening, with a set time to leave. She implied that she thought he would not come through, on any level. He will choose to drink, and he will choose to continue acting as if he is shunned by me, and is alone with no family. I will have to see that no matter WHAT I DO, he will choose drink, until he hits bottom. Lets just see what happens, she said.
Well, I did ask him to dinner. THREE times in the last month. First two times, he filibustered that that was not what he wanted. He did not want a "date" with his family. I said it was all that was available. Trust and safety must be built.
This week, he agreed. Tonight he was to come to dinner at 5pm. He was excited to come, to see us, to be together. I was clear on the guidelines. I spoke to him at 430pm, he was excited.
At 445pm he called, first saying he had no gas. then said he needed a ride because he had been drinking. Then said he was suffering from panic attack and couldn't do it. He went on, " I am so freaked out, I just cannot do anything. I am scared. I just want to go home and crawl into bed."
I detached. Said OK. let it go.
He called at 9pm. He was at a comedy open stage, had just done a set. He was exhilerated and was having a good time with friends. He made no mention of the earlier dinner blow off . At 11pm, he called, drunk as a skunk, left a message saying he was tired of being alone. He needed his family, and was there anything I could do about that.
Now. I , personally, think that my therapist is a genius.
All roads lead to alcohol. It is NOT me. I did not drive him to it. I could not have done anything to keep him from choosing to pursue his drug. I know, for today, that I offered what I was comfortable with (new for me), and still offered him an opportunity to come in the door. He could not even do that. A simple nice, free, meal with his beautiful son.
All roads lead to alcohol. This has nothing to do with me. Our 5 year old is not to blame. I am no more to blame than he is. The A just did what he thought was going to work for him.
I am sad about it, and I do wonder all the time, "Why am I not enough to make him want to get healthy? Why is our child not enough?"
Tonight, I watched him shoot himself in the foot. He did not choose what he wants. He is an ADDICT. He chose what is easy, safe, familiar. He is an ADDICT.
Just for today, since I know that it will probably get to me again..but, just for today I am asking,
"Why doesn't HE mean enough to HIMSELF to get healthy?"
just the view from my little world today.