Hi. I'm bipolar also, and self medicated with alcohol for many years, like 30.
I've found that abstinance and the right medications have taken away the social and chronic anxiety, stabilized my moods and gotten me on track not to drink,
I drank to feel "normal'. I felt I HAD to drink. as my drinking progressed, I became an alcoholic. The hangovers became worse. I remember once hiding in the closet because the anxiety of the morning after a drunk was so bad. So, of course I drank more and more to qualm these symptoms. It was a viscious cycle.
I tried quiting hundreds of times. When I first got medication, I even drank on that and lied to my psychiatrist about it.
I now have 53 days sober and have never felt better. I'm giving the medication a chance to work. I'm going out for exercise, just baby steps like going for a walk. I'm talking to strangers and realizing they're not monsters going to bite my head off. The anxiety has almost lifted. I'm no longer suicidal.
Give not drinking a try. Many here use AA. I use my trust in a loving god and pray.
and I have the worst kind of bipolar, bipolar 1 with rapid cycling and an anxiety disorder.
If I can do it, you can, too. I know how easy it is to reach for that bottle to stop the depression, mania and feel "normal". But, there is a price to pay.
I was a heavy drinker, sometimes starting at 8 in the morning, binge drinker and just a plain drunk.
I feel so much more stable now.
Please ask for help somewhere, any where that will help you. AA works, if you work it. Tere are other programs.
I understand where you're coming from- I've been there. And if I can make it this far, so can you. And I hope you do.
Give abstinance a try, it may not be easy but it's freedom. And that freedom is worth going to any length to get. It just may save your life.
Best wishes,
Ghost