We are only responsible for our actions. Your AH chooses to do what he does, because that's what he wants to do. There's no need to try and understand it on a deeper level. I've found it to be very helpful to ignore the words (in a respectful manner) and focus on the actions. If your AH is taking steps to improve - not calling other women, going to AA, then his actions are telling you that is working on recovery. From your post, it appears your AH is just pushing the usual buttons, trying to put you on the defensive to keep you in an enabling position. It's very difficult to see the insanity when you are living it every day. Once you step away from it for a little while, it all becomes very clear. I highly recommend Alanon for you. It will help rebuild your self esteem, and help you see more clearly. I am going through a divorce from my AW. I currently have sole custody of our 4 girls (all under 11). After 5 years of the most insane behavior, I finally realized, "what am I doing, she's just going to do what she wants to do". She's been to rehab three times, jail once, and has lived outside our home for 15 out of the last 30 months. She's currently in the house, and won't leave in some misguided beleif that she'll get a better settlement. I just go about my business and try to make it as peaceful for our children as possible.
Please remember that your "rock bottom" may be substantially different than your AH. My wife had a car accident with our four girls in the car - she had a BAC of .33 on a Saturday afternoon. After 16 months of sobriety, she came home. I thought that she might have a lapse, but there's no way she'll get in the car with our girls again. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Since there was no car accident this time, she is maintaining that it never happened, and that she has been sober since 2/2008.
This is one tough disease, and we must have compassion for the A, but we don't have to subject ourselved to their insanity.
We'll keep you in our prayers - I think you know what you must do, but it's easier to hope that they will finally just "get it" and then things can (hopefully) get better. That day may never come.