of course it makes sense LMW...thats why it's so hard - we train ourselves to shut out everything but the immediate gratification part.
The change from drunk in relapse to person in recovery for me was relearning and retraining myself to see the mid term consequences, and the long term ones...all as part of a total makeover of the way I thought and the way I reacted to alcohol.
Whiteknuckling just exhausted me.
It's not about willpower for me, it's about accepting I'm an alcoholic and doing real tangible things about it.
Have you considered a recovery programme yet? if nothing else it would be more people to phone, and something else to do on a Friday night
D